PERFECT DAYS
by veronique2
Summary: Brian is thinking about his two past years. after season 3 with milla we decided to continue it CHAPTER 9 is there!
1. part 1and 2

Okay so qaf doesn't belong to me nothing, nothing, too bad.  
  
warning: spoilers from season 3, 2 and 1  
  
type: Brian's pov. ANGST.  
  
author: Vero and Milla.  
  
summary: Brian's is up to do something and think about this past two  
  
years.  
  
  
  
Perfect Days 1/4.  
  
There I was, me, Brian Kinney, waiting for the bus. That was a little  
  
weird; I hadn't taken the bus for so long. But today I had no choice.  
  
Mikey had my car and he was somewhere with Hunter running from the  
  
law. The wind was cold and the bus was late. I remembered the reason  
  
why I didn't like to take the bus. I was standing there, repeating  
  
all I wanted to say, all I had planned. The bus was finally on the  
  
way and I shook my hand to tell it to stop. I sat and looked at the  
  
window and suddenly I was thinking how much my life changed in two  
  
years. So many things I thought never could happen, actually  
  
happened.  
  
I could picture myself two years ago, sure, I was the king of the  
  
world. I had a really good job, a great loft, all I had to do was  
  
wake up in the morning, go to work and do it well as usual, and have  
  
fun the rest of the time with Mikey and bring a trick home for the  
  
night. I remembered at that time, I was thinking it could be like  
  
that until forever or almost. Everything was perfect, all was  
  
planned, me and Mikey, in that way, until the day we would be old  
  
enough to finish our days at Palm Springs like an old couple of fags.  
  
Well, I was living in a fucking illusion at that time. My perfect  
  
plans and hopes crashed down. Two years ago, Justin came along. I  
  
thought everything started that day. Justin, young in a way I wasn't  
  
anymore. Seventeen; being with him, I was seventeen again. I wanted  
  
to stop time. But being with Justin had that other effect to remember  
  
me I wasn't seventeen anymore, too.  
  
But Mikey and I, in our way to be, we were seventeen at heart, so  
  
dependant on each other too in a way we weren't conscious of  
  
ourselves. The only thing we didn't do together was sex and it worked  
  
pretty well, at least for me. The sex I could have with others and  
  
Mikey, too. They were no big deal until one of us was involved  
  
emotionally with someone else or not letting someone interfering in  
  
our lives. Like an unspoken contract. So if I didn't do boyfriends  
  
like I liked to say it, he didn't do, too.  
  
And Justin came along. Justin had everything to attract me. He was  
  
young, he was full of strength, he wasn't afraid of anything and he  
  
had everything to learn. Mikey saw him as a danger immediately but  
  
not I. I underestimated Justin at that time. Not Michael. I was just  
  
enjoying Justin's presence, no more, and was enjoying seeing Mikey  
  
all pissed and showed it when Justin was around. I enjoyed that a  
  
lot. I loved to tease Mikey or provoke him with Justin. Mikey was  
  
never jealous of any trick but with Justin it was so different, in a  
  
way I didn't think. I realised it the day I fucked him in his old  
  
room. I was in shock; I never thought he could be so upset with that.  
  
But he was. Things were already slowly changing with Justin, just  
  
because I let him, without concern really, invade our lives. The  
  
unspoken contract we made was broken.  
  
I just didn't pay attention to that change much and he came along.  
  
David, the old gorgeous chiropractor who never went away. David was  
  
all Michael could dream of, the picture of the dad, gorgeous and  
  
successful, and most of all he wanted him and only him. Someone as  
  
gorgeous as David wanted him. A miracle for him and Debbie and his  
  
dear friends didn't miss the chance to remind him of that fact. David  
  
wanted Michael as a partner for life; he was like a fucking ad for a  
  
prince perfect charming. For the first time in my whole life I  
  
couldn't scare a guy away or steal him from Michael in order to keep  
  
Michael for myself like it used to be. It was funny, it was probably  
  
the same way Michael felt for Justin.  
  
Shit! That bus stopped at every station. That will take an hour  
  
before I will arrive there.  
  
David threatened me in a way nobody did before. He showed me that  
  
Mikey wasn't for granted like I thought; he showed me that my  
  
greatest plan was just an illusion. Mikey could go. I fought the Doc,  
  
ready to fuck up everything I could between them and I did. And whole  
  
success, but what I didn't know was the change happened inside me.  
  
Justin with his strength to handle his messed up life as well as he  
  
could, with his parents, and all his teenage reactions did have an  
  
effect on me. He was seventeen, and I felt myself impressed by a  
  
seventeen year old boy. At least he wasn't running from his life. He  
  
was dealing with the mess and trying to do the best. in his teenage  
  
way, all messy, but he wasn't running like me. Justin made me think a  
  
lot and I thought about everything I did to fuck up Michael's  
  
relationship, too. The turnpike, all I said there was planned in  
  
order to make Mikey back off and not move in with the Doc. I didn't  
  
planned Ted and Emmett, but everything went fine and the most  
  
important, I was telling for the first time something I never told  
  
him before and he had all stars in his eyes. I smiled again, thinking  
  
of his face. Something was weird after that, Michael was no longer  
  
with the Doc, but nothing changed. Like nothing happened. I  
  
remembered being pissed after he said he didn't break up with David  
  
because of me. What a liar. After the show I did on the turnpike, it  
  
wasn't my fault? I remembered I said something mean to him at that  
  
time. Like usual, I used my revenge mode.  
  
Then Debbie showed up with her speech. Debbie never had a clue of my  
  
feelings for Michael and she proved it again that day. But she did  
  
have a point. Michael had no life. He was always hanging out with me,  
  
stuck at a point, stuck in something that didn't exist anymore. I  
  
wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship at that time, certainly  
  
not, but learning the fact that Michael wasn't for granted, telling  
  
him my feelings in the best way I could to make sure he never moved  
  
him with the Doc was something important and listening to Debbie say  
  
Michael was stuck in a dream life... I had to admit she had a point.  
  
Everything was on the way to having our relationship changed after  
  
all I did in a way or another but nothing happened and Michael seemed  
  
happy that way. A way I wasn't happy with anymore. I had to let him  
  
go. He deserved it because if he was only waiting for me to fuck him,  
  
it wasn't my plan. I couldn't let him be a fuck because I loved him  
  
too much and sure that fuck for me could never have been a simple  
  
fuck. I couldn't have let him go be a fuck, because I just couldn't  
  
bear to see my worst nightmare come true: the fact Michael thought he  
  
loved me because he never had that fuck, because he was melting lust  
  
and love. It was more than I could handle. I couldn't let him go by  
  
telling him "listen Mikey I don't love you in the way you want, never  
  
have, never will." It wasn't the truth, and I was just saying the  
  
contrary days ago. And with that I was sure it could be the end and I  
  
didn't want it. I found the birthday bash idea. Gave him the best  
  
from me and the worst in one day.  
  
Now, I have to be honest, I knew Michael would be mad but if I  
  
really wanted to let him go, the other solution was better than this  
  
one. The fact was I underestimated myself again. It was the first  
  
time I was apart so long from Michael. It was horrible to realise how  
  
much you can underestimate yourself and your love. That first year, I  
  
learned a lot. I even found myself turning to Justin. I liked the  
  
kid, I used him to try to replace the hole Michael left in my heart.  
  
My cell phone rang, it wasn't Michael number, I hoped he was fine. I  
  
didn't want to respond to Justin. He could leave a message.  
  
The Doc did his job well, a controlling freak. I hated him. I lost my  
  
son's rights; Mikey was living with the Doc. My dad was dead and I  
  
buried my ghosts with him. The future was uncertain. I felt myself  
  
going insane, soon. I felt empty. I would be 30 years old and all  
  
that I had that really mattered was my job and my flat. Fucking  
  
material things. I wanted to leave, begin something new, running  
  
again from my fucking empty life where everything was on the surface.  
  
I really made a big deal of that job, the more often I was saying it  
  
will be so great, etc.. I was trying to convince myself. It will be  
  
so much better, you have nothing here. Lindsay and Justin made a big  
  
deal of that. Michael said nothing, maybe he didn't because he  
  
thought it was the way I wanted it and had nothing to say for my own  
  
happiness. And when I didn't have that promotion, I felt miserable,  
  
like in that domain, too, I was not good enough. And David asked  
  
Michael to go with him to Portland. Talk about running his life.  
  
the birthday they got me was horrible. I certainly bashed Michael's  
  
birthday but mine was bashed, too. I was depressed in a way nobody  
  
knew and they just brought me the coffin. Maybe it was just what I  
  
deserved, a coffin. I said to Michael I didn't have the job, I  
  
wasn't going to New York. I could see he was upset. I knew just what  
  
I had to do was say stay and he would stay. But come on, stay for  
  
what? Michael wasn't a kid anymore; things had to change. He had to  
  
make his own decisions; he had to have his own experiences, too. Here  
  
with me he was stuck, we were trapped, I never wanted to fuck him  
  
because I was too scared to lose him and he was ready to stay like we  
  
always were. That was wrong all wrong. We had to move, maybe apart to  
  
learn who we were in individual ways. I said to go with David, to  
  
grow up, and after all, it was in own decision, his life. If he  
  
really wanted he could say no, not because he wanted, not because  
  
someone told him to not go or go. I wanted to shake him; he had a  
  
life, someone ready to take him, a family and friend who loved him.  
  
Someone had to try something new, try a new life. It couldn't be me,  
  
so it could have been Mikey.  
  
Once again I underestimated myself. When I heard him say yes,  
  
something deep inside me was hoping he couldn't say yes. He was  
  
trying something I couldn't. He was leaving me.  
  
I had a hard time handling the emptiness of my life. Even Justin's  
  
innocence and enthusiasm didn't do it. I couldn't live without  
  
Michael, I was hoping for the day he could back off. I didn't go to  
  
that farewell party. I was in my drama queen high level there. I was  
  
playing with my life, decided to have a great time, doing scarfing. I  
  
didn't care if I could die, maybe I'd die, maybe not, it was my game  
  
of the day. Maybe my new favourite game for the other day too since  
  
there was nothing in my life. I knew I did that game during the  
  
farewell party. Some romantic part of me was probably hoping Michael  
  
would come to rescue me and tell me he loved me and finally stay,  
  
happily together after. Well, Michael went to rescue me. That was  
  
almost like a fucking dream, I almost lost consciousness and he was  
  
there, yelling at me. Like my funny bullshit romantic plan. But in  
  
reality it's something other. He pissed me off; he didn't understand  
  
anything about all I said to him. We talked about two different  
  
things with the same line.  
  
I was like, what the hell is this situation? At least I understood  
  
one thing; he was in shock, even if he didn't get the whole meaning  
  
of my speech or the reason why I did it. I saw his concern and  
  
whatever happened with the Doc, Michael was under my spell, like he  
  
used to be. I had all my power and I coped with things. Michael and  
  
David couldn't last. Soon or later he would be back. It was all I  
  
could hope. I decided to go to that prom. Justin was still there and  
  
he wanted me. He was sweet, he needed me, and I needed someone at  
  
that time. My selfishness at that time turned to disaster. Justin got  
  
bashed. I called Michael, Michael came, I was devastated. He had to  
  
cope with me for three days in my messy ways. I did it for him  
  
because he was there. When he finally left for Portland like he said,  
  
I was so angry with him. Justin was there because of me and Michael  
  
left me. When he came back, I was glad inside but furious. Michael  
  
was a part of the past, not the future and as always I underestimated  
  
myself on that point, too.  
  
God, taking the bus is definitely hell; I won't be there for 30  
  
minutes.  
  
Part2  
  
I couldn't help it but a part of me was mad at him. I decided when he left me that it was over. That's why I didn't answer his emails. I didn't even read them. It hurt too much at the thought of just opening one and reading it. So he came back. Well, I didn't give a shit. But I had to be honest. When he came back, when he tried again to fix the mess I was, I began to stop living as a ghost and began to be me again, began to appreciate being alive again, began to feel alive again. But that didn't change the fact that I was hurt. I was still mad at him and didn't want forget the hurt, to not be hurting like I already was. It wasn't easy because when I was with him I found myself so weak, he was still my Mikey and I couldn't resist him like when I accepted to go to his fucking Comicon. Mikey wanted everything back like before, like he never went away. Well he had to learn that things changed. I remembered going on my way to that Comicon when I saw the sexy cop and I did it. Because I didn't care, be with Mikey or not. Then he had to learn, I moved on. But as always, when suddenly I had to face him, and his anger and everything, I felt bad and Justin was there to remind me he wasn't the only one to love me. Did he really still love me? That's why he wanted things back like before, like he never left? I still loved him and I went to that convention, to find my dearest madman in full mode. He got the message I wanted to teach him. Time passed and things couldn't be back like before. Things couldn't be like before. He was right but with all my heart I remembered him the promise we made, that nothing could tear us apart. Even with changes in our life we were still Michael and Brian and we had to face those changes in our life together not apart because we couldn't be apart, we couldn't let something come between us no matter what it could be. So, this time, it was me who had to go to him like he did with me after his birthday bash. He forgave me that day and I forgave him for leaving me that way.  
  
Mikey impressed me a lot. He realised his dream, bought his comic store and I was so happy. My Mikey for the first time was taking his life by the hands and decided to do something for himself.  
  
Then, a realisation came to me when I was with Justin at that supermarket. There was that hot guy and I understood something: the fact that everybody thought Justin was my boyfriend, including Justin. That was a sort of shock. Justin wasn't by boyfriend. I wasn't settling down for Justin. Shit, everything was taking a turn I didn't want there. And my first message was to fuck that guy, to have to tell him the world; it wasn't what the world thought. I had to pass the message to everybody and of course Justin was truly disappointed. I never promised anything. I didn't do boyfriends. Even Michael came to me to give me his lesson about Justin and the way I acted! Christ, even he was thinking I was with Justin in a boyfriend shit way! I said he had to stay out of it. Justin wasn't my boyfriend. And if in the entire world there was someone who needed to know that, it was Mikey. I didn't count how many times I repeated it to him to be sure it wasn't what he thought since that time. And how funny could life be? At that same time I told him that he was telling me he met a hot professor and I could see on his face that he had a crush. Shit! That was quick. He was back since when? Life sucked.  
  
And I had to bear Debbie's second round! The topic of the month this time was Justin. I had to admit like always she had good point. Too bad she always wrapped her good argument with bullshit stuff. Once again, she didn't have a clue of my feelings for Mikey. So now I had to tell Justin I loved him back, something I never could do to Michael. Like I said, full of bullshit. But the fact was I truly liked the kid and didn't want to lose him, too. With Mikey everything was so complicated, I never knew where I was, where he was, where we were. With Justin, everything could be clear. We made rules. That seemed the good deal. Life is so cruel sometimes. So Justin, who was the one to claim his love to me all the time with all his bullshit, showed me his love by breaking his own rules. That was that his love for me? And after he broke the rules, he expected me to be at his feet. Justin was there to remember that love was bullshit like I believed and I never loved Justin, so I never let him have chance to win something else he already had with me when he broke the rules. I couldn't do what I could do for Mikey; I could forgive Mikey with an endless credit sooner or later, but not Justin.  
  
Oh, I just saw one of my ads on a building. I thought that campaign time was over since a month ago. I have to admit, that ad was fucking good. Well, all my ads are fucking good.  
  
The professor was now in Mikey's life. After the image of the dad with the doc, the image of the comic superhero that the professor could picture with his body and all. He wanted him and he fought for him, made him a challenge. He decided he wanted him, and he fucked the "precious" advice of people who pushed him with the doc months ago. Michael couldn't be influenced like before, that was great to see. I stayed neutral the most I could. Mikey had to assume and make his own decisions and I was the first to want that for him. But I was worried. Dating an HIV+ man could bring so much pain. I trusted Michael to be careful but the emotion department was more dangerous. I didn't want to see Michael's suffering. I told him to not fall in love with him, for his safety. That entire situation about HIV and risk made me think a lot. The one I loved, even if I trusted him was dating death; I had to be sure that the second person I care about was always safe too.  
  
Soon, another deception for my life came to me. Lindsay broke my heart, as I finally tried to open to the others, with the kind support and trust of Michael who said to me it was okay to be human. It was hard to discover that someone I knew as long as Lindsay, someone who I thought knew me, just never knew me like I thought. She loved me for sure, but she loved someone who didn't exist inside me, she loved the image she built in her mind. And finally, I had to admit that the only person who really knew me, the only person who really loved me for what I am was Michael. Michael always have, always will. I had him, only him.  
  
Life is tricky; I just discovered the only one person who loved me for what I am was Michael and guess what? Life was there to remind me that even that love was unsure. Life brought me back my worst nightmare in my face. Michael discovered I fucked the professor and his obsession about the fact I never fucked him came back to the surface and with that all my fears, too. Did Michael love me? Was everything just about sex? Is everything about me and my life about sex? Did this include Michael, too? I was at a point that I needed to know. I asked him, was he was jealous because I slept with him or he slept with me? I wanted to know. I wasn't afraid to ask and I came to my conclusion. If Michael wanted a fuck, then he would have his fuck. And we could move on. I needed to know where we were. I was ready to risk and confront my biggest fear. I could cope with the mess of my emotions after. So, I did it, I was ready to give him that fuck, if it was what he wanted. I kissed him, I groped his crotch, I felt his erection as he began to give in to the kiss. It was weird, full of frustrations from both of us ready to let go. I did feel the lust in me growing as he probably felt the same inside him; I wanted him, there for him, for me it was all about sex, our frustration. And he pushed me away. Because it was wrong. I was breathing heavily. Not sure I wanted to stop there, confused. But I saw his eyes. His own realisation that it wasn't what he wanted not a fuck and full stop. I couldn't be a simple fuck. It was more than a fantasy. He was hurt, confusion melted with anger. And I had the opposite feelings when I recovered from what just happened. I felt at peace. I felt like a winner. I felt proud. I couldn't be a fuck to him and I wanted him to know. I knew his secret identity. Michael loved me, he sure was full of lust for me, but it was based because of the love and not the contrary. I left, with a smile. But I knew I acted like an asshole. I knew when I left him he was deeply upset. When I went to Babylon that night, I was so happy like when I left him. I felt awkward. He was dancing with the professor. It was kind of weird. He was still with the professor. I didn't have time to think, the professor left us and Michael looked at me, like nothing happened at all. I talked about a guy I found hot. I had to say something. I couldn't stay like an idiot standing there. He answered me like nothing really happened. Well, he wasn't mad at me at least. Everything was back as before again, when it could have been different. We danced together. I chose to do like him, and acted like nothing happened. I had my answer and that was enough.  
  
Then, Justin and Michael decided to draw a comic and I felt left out. They had a common point and seemed to develop a perfect new kind of relationship that didn't exist before. Before I was their common point, but not anymore. Mikey appreciated Justin for the first time with an open heart. I felt excluded. In a way, Justin belonged to me. He was someone at my side. Now, Mikey was sort of stealing him from me. I was jealous. Not only for that, I was jealous of the fact Mikey gave him his friendship too in a way he never did. Before, there was a balance. Justin was the one Michael bore because of me and vice and versa. Now they seemed to become friends. I was jealous, because Justin was mine, a possession and jealous because I couldn't accept seeing Mikey give something that belongs to me to Justin. Michael was my best friend. I was just afraid he could prefer Justin's company to me. I was afraid to lose them both for different reasons. But the feeling that invaded me, drove me insane. The jealousy. I acted like a little kid furious and jealous to see his parents sharing a tender hug when they had to be focusing their love for their kid only. I was an idiot. Nothing changed in fact, and their common point was still me. My place in their heart wasn't threatened. Things were still like they used to be.  
  
Then I had my problem with my job, Christ, life just couldn't let me at peace one moment? I was freaked out and Justin showed me again his way to love. He just didn't understand. I had to sacrifice all I built hardly all this year for him, to go to Vermont. Is that his idea of love? Then I came back and he wasn't there. Shit, I was disappointed and pissed. What just the fuck was I for that kid? He was disappointed to find me fucking a guy when he came back from Vermont. What did he expect?  
  
And life must hate me badly because like it wasn't enough, the professor got sick. Michael was lost. He needed me. I was feeling his hurt and I wanted to wash it away so much. Seeing him hurting was unbearable. He was born to be happy, not to cry. But seeing him crying for the professor, I had to admit killed me too. When I came back, Justin had such bad timing with his romantic picnic. I was a mess, I wanted to forget the pain, the pain to see the man I loved hurt, forget to know that the man I loved was crying for someone else. I just wanted to fuck my brains out, wanted forget in perdition of sex, drugs and alcohol, like I always did when I can't bear the reality of my life.  
  
I saw Emmett waking on the street. He had a lot of shopping bags in his hands. Well, he was coping with his depression with shopping. I hope everything will be okay for him soon.  
  
Finally, Justin made his last straw. Ethan. At first I didn't give a shit. It was not like I was in love with Justin and that could hurt me. He was seeing someone else. Fine. Of course that was until Mikey put the finger on the detail. The push button he knew made me react. What about the truth? Shit! Justin was lying to me, playing a game. What about the honesty I always show to him, what about the truth? He was humiliating me, acting like he did. I sure didn't deserve that after all. It was not like I made promises to him; it was not like I said something to him that wasn't true. So why did he feel the way to act like that? I took care to have that game be back to me and be sure to control everything again. You don't fuck with Brian Kinney. So Justin wanted me to say I loved him? Justin wanted something I couldn't give. I told him honestly. After, it was up to him to decide what he wanted for himself. I had enough of Justin's bullshit. As far I could like the kid, sometimes his dreamy bullshit hit my nerves. He had to learn without me, if he what he wanted to. Plus, something was up, the professor wanted to go to Tibet. That was an interesting option. Justin put the blame on Michael. What the fuck? Who broke the rules and cheated on me? Who lied? I told him, Michael was right to tell me. Full stop. I had to admit Michael is untouchable. Nobody had the right to attack him but me if I felt I had a valid reason. Michael is sacred territory.  
  
It was time to remind Justin what was our relationship, what the deal was at the beginning. I asked Lindsay to tell him I was searching for him. When he came to me, I was fucking Rage. I found it funny to be fucking my own representation. Must be my egocentric part. I was smiling like the idiot I'm not at the thought. The only thing was I didn't plan what happened next. He fucking left me with Ethan in front of everybody. Brian Kinney for everybody was just being dumped. Did I really deserve that humiliation? I was honest from the beginning. Why did he do that to me? That little piece of blond boy ass. That hurt.  
  
The bus finally arrived. I looked at the address. I asked someone the directions. I had still to walk for ten minutes before being at my destination. How people can survive that way? Without a car?  
  
tbc 


	2. part 3

Perfect days  
  
Part 3  
  
That part of the town was not great all, even though it was the first time I went there. As I continued my way I was still thinking about the aftermath of the Rage party. I was humiliated big time and like it wasn't enough I had the pleasure to show the display of happiness from my so called my friends. They were enjoying what happened to me. Justin was threatening me like a stranger. I was the bad guy for everybody, the evil villain who finally was defeated.  
  
Of course it wasn't the case with Michael. Michael was worried for me. Michael was in full pissy mode and in full protector mode. He was the one to take my side. Well, I was Brian Kinney, those dumbasses who were happy to see me bleeding on the floor, I had to show them and I had to ignore them. I knew who my real friends were now.  
  
So Justin was flying on his own wings, it was his choice but why did he need to be like that with me? He left my loft like a coward. I didn't want that. But well he had his wrong and mine, too.  
  
So free again, the reality hit me hard again when I learned that the professor wasn't planning to go to Tibet anymore, but even worse not even a week after the party, he moved into Michael's flat. Shit, it was like I was missing an episode there. Plus the display from Emmett and Ted as new lovers. I didn't know why but these two, that seemed just wrong, ridiculous, I didn't know. Maybe I was jealous, maybe not. Maybe it was just like a bad episode of the Twilight Zone.  
  
When I resumed the situation, it was bad. My reputation as a stud was destroyed and I had to rebuild it. I found some of my friends and Justin betrayed me, humiliated me or enjoyed my humiliation. Michael and Ben were living together. Most important, now that I didn't have Justin in charge anymore I wanted my Mikey back and Ben was there, a big difficulty, something I underestimated big time. But hey, I was Brian Kinney and Michael belonged to me, no? Always had, always will? I just did the same tactics to get Mikey back. I was acting like I did when the doc was there. But Ben is not the doc. Ben was the perfect housewife Michael needed and he was letting Michael do what he wanted with me. Fucking up their relationship wouldn't be so easy as with David. Ben was safety when I was all the opposite. Michael is not a risky type of man.  
  
What probably will stay in my heart forever will be that punch I gave him. Michael was in his full protecting mode; he was so hurt and angry for me. He was at his limit of tolerance for Justin and he didn't accept that someone could hurt me. Now when I thought of this, even after I punched him, it was so evident. But I was myself at that time at my limit and he was telling the truth I didn't want to hear, didn't want to believe. Justin used me, I just didn't want to listen. I wanted him to shut up and then he was so at his limit he said that horrible thing, and I punched him. I punched him because you don't have the right to say that. I punched him because he pushed me to listen something I didn't want hear. I just couldn't stand it. It wasn't so much because of Justin, it was because of everything Michael was showing to me, something unbearable, even himself. I couldn't bear his voice, that Michael wasn't the Michael I used to know. He was full of hatred, fed by frustration during those two years. And what he said was the cruel truth. It was like Michael was me, expressing all my anger and my hurt, expressing by words all my demons and dirty thoughts I could have because of anger. I punched him because he was like a mirror or what I thought, what I maybe wished myself , and I realised the horror. I punched him for what he said, but I punched him because maybe he was a mirror of my feelings that I couldn't bear. We were in our extreme part, both of us. My act was violent as much as his words were. The result was the hurt for both of us. But we calmed down in our sort of madness just after. At least we didn't wait one week to make up and we needed nobody to do that this time, even after such a violent situation from both of us. When I think of this now, I am proud we just made up simply. It wasn't easy but we got through it like was not such a big deal when we knew what really happened.  
  
I ordered a hustler who had to be close enough to Justin. I wanted to believe it was Justin in front of me. And this time, I was paying him for his service. I was admitting that our relationship was sort of like that. I had to bury Justin, by doing it. He used me and now I was paying him to remind me it was that. I didn't want to see the hustler's face. I wanted to believe it was Justin, and it was. Sad, but it was like before, I fucked him, I paid him. 300 dollars for a goodbye.  
  
I really tried to get Mikey back, I used all that I could. I was monopolizing his time, and I was around to piss off the professor. I showed to Michael I wanted him in a sexual way too, that he could be at the guys place I was holding and I meant it. I tried to bring him back with memories of our young days, and I proposed an escape to New York. But each time the professor was with us. sort of. I had nausea each time Michael was talking about it and found he was the reason why he was rejecting me. Maybe the professor was more important than me. But Mikey was always happy and on my side. I needed a break. I took it and found myself more and more interested in Justin's situation. How was his relationship working? Did he have more luck than me? Was he happier now?  
  
God, Ethan was a living advertisement for a romantic cliché. And believed me, I knew all about advertising. The violinist wasn't a bad guy, he was young and dumb like Justin. The perfect couple. Did you ever see a couple of chickens or whatever completely blind and happy until they hit the wall? Well, that was Justin and the brunette. What I disliked the most was when I learned Justin was about to repeat his same mistake he did with me. I had to be the sacrificial lamb for the name of Vermont and love for Justin and Justin was about to do the same with the guy. I didn't give a shit about Ethan, but I just couldn't let Justin do it again. He had to learn this time. I went to talk to the homeless violinist. Justin was pissed as hell. "What about me?" Geez! What about him? I told him his conception of true love sucks. It's all about him. But love is compromise; love is thinking about the one you love before your own selfishness. Maybe I was hard but I just couldn't let this happen again. Someone had to wake the dreamy Taylor princess from his fake fairy tail. Talking about fairy tale. Ethan, brought the ring. Ethan, the Lord of the Ring.  
  
Wow, the more I was about to arrive at this address, the more I found myself sarcastic as hell. I guessed it's that. sort of unconscious training to be on top in a little while.  
  
Yes, the ring, I didn't know, did I have to laugh my ass off or cry? They really were pathetic. Then they broke up. Justin was looking at me while he fucked that guy in the backroom. It was not a loving look. Yep, I told him, and he just understood.  
  
Then Ben took his ticket to steroid land. I was full of worry for Michael, but even if I tried to be involved like always there were things only Michael could resolve. And it was one of them.  
  
I had the displeasure to see Justin stalking me again. At first I was pissed. So prince charming number 2 didn't work so the solution was to come back to the number one. Great, I wanted to make things difficult and what did he do? He almost gave up, blaming me again for his own choice. I liked Justin. Once again I gave him a little lesson, that you have to fight to have what you want. And he did. He learned damn quickly I stayed stunned.  
  
We came back together, sort of; I mean we began to fuck each other again. I made it clear. And also clear the fact he had to be honest and that what he did hurt me. I was happy. I was feeling so alone, and Justin was back on my conditions, and I missed having someone by my side.  
  
At the same time, I planned to leave Pittsburgh. I was back to my threatened mode, "I'm leaving!" Because I had to face it, Michael was in a committed relationship and Michael was all I had. I was nearly in the same situation as one year and half before when Michael was with David. Stockwell gave me the reason I needed. I could have a great situation in New York and all. I wanted it, because it's the only value I had and I could have. I knew that I was doing the wrong thing. I was uneasy when Stockwell was talking about the baths and all. But at the same time, why give a shit about that town and community? Plus Stockwell was a smart person, so difficult to handle, even with my self-assurance and all. It was like playing with fire. I wasn't saving; playing with Stockwell was a hard game. The man himself was a challenge for me. It's difficult to explain. There was something about that man that attracted me and not sexually and vice and versa. As I thought of it, it even may be a little scary. So when Ted came to me to ask him to help what he fucked up alone, I guessed he didn't have a clue of my situation. I wasn't God manipulating Stockwell. I was far from it. Plus the way he asked me to do it. And why do a favour for someone who was just laughing at me months before? I always helped him and what did I get? And now that? If I took the risk to save his ass, to play my place with Stockwell. It certainly was not for Ted's fucking ass. I did it for Emmett, for what he said to me.  
  
The fact that I was back with Justin had a good impact. I played with Justin at the beginning the return of happy lovers. Michael was pissed. I was smiling at that idea. Justin was always the start bottom and I was glad to see it. So Michael was still jealous, the professor didn't have all his heart yet. But at this time, Michael caught me off guard. He just exploded with his take Justin with you. when we weren't talking about Justin at all. That hit me! He was thinking Justin was more important than him to me, he was jealous, maybe hurt and very sad that I was back with the kid. I had to do something, because he was wrong, because it was always him, since the beginning. I could be with other people, but in my heart he was the only one forever. I could be far from there, and he was still my only love. So no matter where I was and who I was with, I will always love him. I said that to him. That he was my only love and always will be.  
  
He looked at me. It wasn't what he was expecting to hear. And the appearance was against me. I knew the that fact I had just gotten back with Justin, the fact that I wanted to go to New York, the fact that maybe he thought I tried to have him back to replace Justin. He was certainly thinking, if you love me so much so why were you leaving? Why were you talking about leaving me? Because I loved him, because he was my only reason to stay and also my only reason to leave if I wanted a life knowing he already had Ben and was happy with him.  
  
He said bullshit, he didn't believe me, but I wasn't upset. This is one more thing I couldn't do for my Mikey, is having him to believe me when I said I will always love him. He had to realise it by himself, a thing only he can do. I kissed him on the forehead; lips weren't appropriate. He was so confused inside, it could have confused him more, or make him reject me. I said simply, as a matter of fact, it's not bullshit.  
  
I didn't want to let go of my plan to leave, but when Michael learned that I had lost the job, he was so happy. He didn't even try to hide it. I knew that if I had to go, this time Michael's reaction would be different than what it was one year and half before. That Michael was ready to confront me about the option was definitely interesting. After that, I couldn't stop saying good hints about him, implying a sexual meaning, things I didn't have to use before. So maybe that was because my frustration was beginning to rise, maybe because I just wanted to have him think. I could never give up to reach my goal with Michael. He had to see and I was ready to give him a clue.  
  
But my own selfishness was doing something wrong and Debbie pointed the things out to me and Justin did, too. So Debbie came back with her round 3, but this time she didn't bring the bullshit. Like Debbie said, it's always amazing how I can go far but stop at the limits of going too far. It was just because I was a real bad guy. What Debbie said to me when I lost my job touched me in a way she probably ever knew.  
  
The Stockwell fight brought some common points between me and Justin. I was sharing something in common with him and it wasn't the sex. It was something I liked it. I knew after that return of lovers, that Justin would turn back to a dreamy mode and he did. I could have left tricking. I was bored with tricks. Before I was tricking for fun and because it was something pleasant to provoke Michael with the tricking even if I was failing big time each time. Like maybe one day, he will yell "stop" or something. That was my romantic part. After I had to keep tricking also because it's a way to show Michael that nobody can have me, in a way it's proving him he is the one I love, the exception. If I let go the tricking, he wasn't anymore. That's a tricky situation.  
  
So like I bet Justin was back in his full mode dreamy life and he forgot what the deal we made was. I had to remind him the deal. And I did with the 11 o'clock date. It wasn't that I was excited with the trick , I just had to do it, to replace Justin's thoughts in the right way.  
  
And then, we defeated Stockwell. I had to lose everything. It was a real way to pay my price for my own selfishness but I succeeded. And that day I thought would never come, just came. Mikey was standing in front of me. He was risking everything for something he knew was right. He was fucking the goddamn laws he respected so much since captain Astro gave him a lesson.  
  
I was so impressed. He was risking more than I ever did, even when I went into debt to defeat the police chief. He could have serious problems, lose everything in a worse way than I did. I smiled at him, so you took all the risks. Yep, he was ready to take any risk. That was the new Michael, the Michael who grew up since two years ago. I didn't have to think, I gave him my keys. I was taking all this risk with him. I knew it was more dangerous than only losing my car and being in debt in a worse way. I was an accomplice of a crime in the eyes of the law. But I trusted Mikey. And I couldn't let him do it alone. Because it was all about us, since the beginning. He was sort of shocked, and asked me if was sure because he knew the importance of my act and what it was implying. I didn't have any doubt in my mind. Because it's Michael and Brian no matter what until the end of our lives. He went to kiss me, and I was in fucking heaven, because it was all about us and he was confirming it by his kiss. We forgot Justin, everybody. I saw him leave, and I couldn't stop watching in his direction. My heart was beating. A little worried, a little in euphoria. A new day was coming for both of us. We left everything we had behind us and didn't know what could happen. The only thing that was sure was "us."  
  
And here I am. Montgomery's little house. In a minute I will do my best to scare Hunter's bitch mother to death. I have to get her to quit the charges, to have Mikey back and safe. No matter I could risk doing it. Michael was my everything. I lost all material things, I couldn't care less of what could happen to me if I was sure to protect Michael.  
  
I knocked, and she opened the door. I was thinking, "Say hello, to your nightmare."  
  
******  
  
My plan worked perfectly, Hunter's mom backed off and Michael was about to come back.  
  
tbc 


	3. part 4

I Know It's all a matter of perception. How you see the world, how blind you are, how worthy you think you are, how you interpret things. I speak from experience, for never in my lifetime would I have guessed what his actions meant. It is hard to understand what is written between the lines, but it's even harder when those lines are written by the ones you love. You lose perspective. You become blind. Especially if you think you're not good enough, if you underestimate yourself. Sometimes what everybody wants is so simple it's hard to believe, much less to understand it. Brian was never one to be easily read. Even for me, his best friend in the whole world, it was difficult. He would show how he feels but in such a way you'd think it was impossible that he meant that, when he did mean exactly what he'd done. Brian was crystal clear, for those with the proper glasses. I was never one to wear those glasses. Not when his feelings towards me were concerned. Those glasses were permanently fogged by my low self- esteem. I never thought he could have any feelings for me other than those of a friend. I knew he loved me. He always had loved me and I trusted he always would. He'd do anything for me... except what I most wanted him to do: love me as a man, not only a friend. So there I was, a blind man taking endless detours to get to my destiny. Trying desperately to kill the suffocating love I had for him. The lust that drove me insane so many times, with all the kissing, all the touching... they taunted me, but I craved them, even when I was with those who deviated me from him. Brian has always been jealous of me, possessive. He tried to ruin each and every relationship I could possibly have. Those who dared to hit on me in front of him; David and even Ben. Actually, Ben was a different story. He knew better than to act like David had done. Ben neither fought him nor gave up on me and slowly Brian stepped back. Somehow he respected Ben, however that didn't stop Brian from trying. Especially after Justin left him. He was there 24/7, in my place, at Red Cape, in the diner. Over attentive, over touchy, over kissy, like I didn't have a boyfriend at all. And Ben was over patient, I have to admit... That kiss we shared at Babylon... Sure I was dazed, drugged, drunk, but those were not reason enough to make me forget it. Brian kissed me with abandon, that time. It wasn't the first but it felt like it. I felt his tongue immediately inside my mouth. I was surprised, but soon I gave in. It was a wonderful feeling. I still don't know how we managed to kiss each other all night long and not end up in the backroom. It was THE greatest torture for me. But I guess he would never do that to me in the backroom. I could never be just a fuck to him, and it worked both ways. Funny how we had everything a couple had. We could read each other's mind most of the time. We would exchange a look and instantly know what the other would do or say. We would dance, kiss, touch, talk for hours, have the greatest time together... If we weren't a couple, then I don't know who else was. He even used to say we'd grow old together and retire to Palm Springs, like a couple of old fags. I never understood that either. There was a time I even thought he wanted me to stay forever under his spell, always lingering in the doorway, always watching him fuck everybody else but me. Nobody understood. I didn't understand. But I couldn't not be around him. I didn't want to. I needed him, just like I knew he needed me, only in a different way. Yeah, just like crystal, Brian was my crystal. He was embedded in my veins. He made my blood run fast. And he also made my veins clog. But I needed him, I was happy with him. He knew me like no other. He hurt me like no other. He defended me from everything. He protected me from what I wanted. Him. I wanted him badly. But I wanted so much more than his gorgeous body. I wanted his soul. I knew I already had his heart. Deep inside, I guess I always knew. Even if I pushed him to say it and teased him with all the Justin bullshit, I knew he loved me. Though there was a time he got me confused and I thought he loved Justin. Well, he did love Justin, but not like he loved me. And then, when I thought I had lost him for good, he came up with that blatant love declaration. Never in my life had I heard such beautiful words. They were so simple and yet so profound. Later on, when I thought about them, I was shocked by what they could have meant. But at the time, I was somewhere between amazed and pissed, and in my disbelief I could only mumble 'bullshit'. But they weren't bullshit. Brian didn't lie, only to himself. And most certainly not to me. I know those words should have made me happy, however they ended up crushing me. They were the epitome of my curse: to be loved, but to be kept at arm's length. He loved me. Brian Kinney loved me. Me and only me. Forever. Wherever he'd be and, unfortunately, whomever he might be with. Anyone but me. A platonic love it was, he had said so himself. And he wanted it to remain like that, I had thought, at that time... until today... I parked in front of Brian's new building. He had sold the loft and now had rented this much smaller place. But I bet it was classy, Brian had always had excellent taste and a thing for decoration, and clothes, and cosmetics... A real GAY man... or like every straight woman. I shook my head at that thought, laughing my nervousness away, as I walked into the building. He had given me the address the same day I came back with Hunter to the Pitts, when all the gang and family decided to drop by. I remember he pulled me to a corner, away from all possible eyesight - when everybody had already stuffed themselves with Ma's lasagna - and gave me a long hug, a bear hug, he almost broke me in two. Then he let go of me, leaned his forehead to mine and breathed out he had missed me. He had tears in his eyes and it didn't take much for mine to mirror his. I said something like 'you too' and then he blurted... 'You are never to go away that long, where I can't see you, and in such circumstances like that, you hear me, Michael?' By that point, he was dead serious and he was grabbing the base of my neck.  
  
'I love you, too, Brian' I'd said, smiling... And he'd kissed me. It didn't take more than a few seconds. I felt his tongue very gently touching my lips, but when I opened my mouth to him, he pulled back. 'People must be asking for us' he had said. 'Yeah, like you give a shit' I'd replied. It was Ben. Not that Brian really cared for him; he was worried about putting me in a situation with Ben. Ben. Now that was something else I didn't want to think about. At least not now, not with what I was here for. He would eventually come up in the conversation, but not now. Now it was about Brian. and I. I looked at my watch before ringing the doorbell. Midnight. Creepy. The most mysterious of the hours. The turn of the days, a moment lost in space and time, where everything could happen. I hoped so. I rang the doorbell. It didn't take much for Brian to open the door, and God, did he look beautiful! His sleepy face and bed head never looked sexier. 'Mikey?' He asked, rubbing his eye, a bit confused. I don't know what happened to me but I simply grabbed him by his neck and pulled him into a kiss. At first he was surprised and didn't quite know what to do. But of course we're talking Brian Kinney here, and within seconds I heard a tiny, almost imperceptible moan as he gave in to the kiss, as he gave in to me. His arms wrapped around my waist and he tightened the embrace even more, diving into my mouth with such hunger! Hunger of years of starvation, years of craving, interrupted beginnings and never-ending desire. All of them equally well known to me. He plastered me on the door, closing it with a loud thud, never breaking the kiss. I felt his thigh press against my groin, parting my legs and making me ride him. He cupped my ass and practically lifted me from the floor. I didn't know where my tongue began and his ended. I was nearly suffocating. I clung to his hair in agony, desperate for more, more, more of him, more contact, more of his skin - though he wore only a pair of sweatpants and I was the one fully clothed. I wanted to rip off my clothes, but the sensations of his mouth on mine and his hands on my body were so overwhelming, I wouldn't dare to move. It was way too perfect. I had never been kissed like that before. Not even the previous kisses we'd shared, they were nothing compared to this one. I was still grinding on him when I felt my legs suddenly drop to the floor. Then Brian's hands were on my chest as he was trying to break free from my arms, from my lips. 'Mik.' I was not going to give up that easily and he moaned again when I gently bit his lower lip. 'No.' He begged. 'Stop. Mikey. Please. Stop it!' Now he had managed to keep me literally at arm's length, with his arm's pressing against my chest, putting space between us. He was gasping for air, his face was flushed, his lips were swollen. I wasn't much different. He kept on looking at me until we both could speak again. God, what I saw in those eyes! He was so. confused. 'What are you doing?' He whispered, his chest still heaving. 'I know' was all I could think of saying. I wanted to be more eloquent but my brain was giving me a hard time. 'What, Mikey?' his voice was so soft, almost as if he were afraid of asking. 'I finally understood, Brian.' He stared at me, not wanting to believe what those words put together might imply. His lips slightly parted in wonder; I could almost see his brain working, as realization sank into his mind. For a second, those big hazel eyes lit up in a way that was all new to me. Would that be. happiness? However, he slid back his Brian Kinney mask so fast I began to doubt what I had seen. 'And just what the fuck are you talking about?' 'I'm here, Brian, for you. I came to stay. Only now I realized it was all there, in front of me, and I couldn't see. I couldn't see what you were telling me. I couldn't understand your actions, but now I do. Now it's all clear. I should have given you more credit. I should have known you don't do lip service, that you don't say what you don't feel, especially to me, especially about me. But it was too good to be true, wasn't it? You know that, don't you? How could you, Brian Kinney, king of Liberty Avenue feel that way about your best friend? Me, of all people. I just wish you had made me see. But I guess I needed that time. Though it was a hell of a long time. But I know now, Brian. And I'm here because I want to tell you I'm ready. There's nowhere else I'd like to be more than here. No other arms I'd like around me more than yours. There are no lips I want more on mine than yours. There's no love I want more than yours. There's no love purer than ours.' He closed his eyes at my last sentence. 'What do you want from me, Michael?' I could barely hear him when he spoke. 'I want you, Brian. Body and soul, heart and mind, and all the rest you can give me. Look at me' I said to him, taking his chin in my hand. He opened his eyes and stared at me for a while. 'Goddamn it, Michael, what took you so long?' Then he was all over me again. Lips, tongue, hands, arms... He crushed his body against mine, put both my legs around his waist and carried me to what I presumed was his room. Next thing I knew he had knelt on the mattress, with me on his lap, and he was desperately trying to get rid of my clothes, ripping fabric and scratching my skin. He threw me on the bed and went for my pants, unzipping them in a flash. I wanted to lift my body so that I could undress him, but Brian was faster than that. He walked naked and confident to the bedside table. I knew what he was doing. It wouldn't take long for us to finally see our dreams coming true. But somehow, the insecure me was afraid. I knew there would be no turning back. Whatever happened after that, one thing was clear: there was no way I could ever live without Brian anymore. Even if it didn't work out, I had no idea what I would do if I ever had to leave without him by my side again. I guess he must have heard my thoughts, or maybe he saw it in my eyes, because when he went back to bed, he pierced me with those hazel eyes. He wanted to know. Hell, he already knew it! It was there, in his eyes, he knew what I was thinking. I felt a mix of relief and shame. Relief that I didn't have to voice out my fears and shame for we hadn't even started and I was already afraid. He reached for my face and caressed my cheek with his knuckles. 'I am too, Mikey' I heard his quivering voice. 'I'm fucking terrified. But we can't back down now. Even if we fuck things up, I can't stand being close to you and not having you. I'm willing to risk everything to put an end to this torture. It's been consuming me... I'm tired of fighting against it. I don't have the strength to do that anymore. Especially now, that you're finally here. I'm giving in.' I cupped his face and brought it next to mine, placing a tender kiss to those lips I adored. 'Make love to me, Brian.' I felt his body stiffen. He looked at me, wide-eyed. He shook his head and then leaned it on mine. 'I can't, Mikey, I don't know how.' Oh, Jesus! I felt tears threaten to spill out of my eyes. Life with Brian Kinney would be heart-wrenching, for all the best reasons! I always knew he was a romantic at heart. 'Of course you do, Bri.' I touched his chest, where his heart was beating so fast. 'It's all in here. It's all in you. Do it with your heart.' ~~~~~~~~ I was right. He knew it. How could he not? That night... what we did... it was beyond whatever I had already experienced. It wasn't the lust only, it was love. It was there in his eyes, in his body, in his hands, the way he held me, the way he kissed me. No need for words. Actually, I didn't even want to hear them. The silence around us was so eloquent it was deafening. Slowly and tenderly we gave ourselves to each other, forming a bond that was almost tangible, an invisible shield that I hoped could protect our love even from ourselves. That night, I saw a Brian that reminded me of the one who would come to my bedroom broken and beaten many a night, when we were younger. A Brian with no masks, a scared little boy, fragile in my arms, surprised and in awe that someone in this world could care about him. Surprised that he could actually be loved. That *I* could love him with all my heart, for what he was, for his flaws, for his qualities. The mask slid away for good, at least for me, that night. I never saw it back again, not to me, not when I looked into his eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ He's in my arms now. I love when he's like that, relaxed and at ease. I'm in his bed and he's sitting between my legs. He's leaning on my chest and his head is thrown back on my shoulder. He can see me that way. He likes to look at me and I'm almost self-conscious 'cause I know I can't wipe this silly grin off my face. He's got a small smile too, and he's scrutinizing my face. If it were a few months ago I'd have been pissed, thinking he'd be searching for an opportunity to make fun of me, or call me pathetic. Tonight, however, I know better... So I let him do what he wants. I know what he's doing; he's absorbing reality, this new reality, our new reality. There will be no more re-runs in our show, only new episodes. 'Why are you here, Mikey?' he brushed away a stray lock of my hair. 'What made you come here? Why now?' I wrapped my arms around his chest, and he entwined our fingers. 'It's amazing what some time alone can do to you. When you're away from those you love, those who love you, you start seeing things differently. Nostalgia hits you face first and it can keep you awake many nights. You have a lot to think about, it's hard not to analyze your past, weigh your choices, and the things you didn't even allow yourself to choose, those you simply ignored, afraid of just imagining their consequences... Everything seemed different, like under a different light... I missed home, missed Mom, the guys, but most of all, I missed you badly. You were there with me every step of the way.' 'I know.' 'I'd fall asleep thinking of you...' He smiled at me and gave me a sweet kiss, and then. 'What about Ben?' There was no bullshit with Brian, if he wanted to know the truth, he'd ask you VERY straightforwardly. No apologies. If he asked, he could handle it. 'There was a time Ben was not enough anymore. I had been gone for more than I was expecting, I was feeling so lonely... Instead of thinking about him, I began to think about you. Sure I loved Ben, but I needed more... I needed you. And the more we talked to each other, the more I realized why I needed you so much: my love for you was no longer unrequited. You loved me just as much. You missed me the same - even if you had never told me while I was away. I could feel it by the tone of your voice, in the words you'd say to me, Bri. I began to read between the lines. There was no way Ben could ever compare to you. He gave me so much, he taught me a lot, he was good to me in so many ways. But he wasn't you. I guess I thought I could replace you in my heart with him. Deep inside, I always hoped we could be together some day; though I never admitted that to myself, to begin with. But I always expected you'd wake up one day. Until I realized I was the one who had to wake up. ' 'What triggered your mind?' 'Wherever I am, whomever I'm with, I'll always love you.' Boy, you should see his smile now! It's breathtaking. 'You've never said what you didn't feel, not to anyone, Brian. and especially not me. Why would you have said something like that, something that deep if that weren't how you felt? That wouldn't be you, Brian. I started thinking about tons of other stuff you had said, during the past year or so, what you had done, and suddenly it all made sense. There you were, my friend of a lifetime, the love of my life, showing through subtle actions that you loved me. And waiting patiently for me. Why didn't you just say it?' He turned to his side and wrapped his arms around my neck. 'How could I have done that if I didn't know you loved me until recently?' 'Couldn't you just imply from the years I had spent after you?' 'Weren't I trailing after you just as well?' He sighed and continued. 'All these years, I thought I was the fuck you could never have. And I would really never allow myself to touch you, if that was what you wanted, because even if that was what I meant for you, there was no way I could risk losing you just for a fuck. I could have tons of that with other man. You were different, Michael. You were my friend, my best friend, the person I loved most in my fucked up world. I could never risk losing you. I thought it was just lust and that it would eventually fade. Thank God I was wrong.' 'So wrong.' 'I'm sorry I couldn't see.' 'We're even here.' I felt his lips on mine once again. I could never get enough of that. 'And now, what will happen now, Mikey?' 'We'll live happily ever after, Brian.' He snorted. 'Really? And how am I supposed to live with your mess around?' Didn't I tell you he's just like a woman? 'Is that so? And how are you supposed to live without my ass around?' 'Ouch, Mikey! That was below the waist line!' He turned to face me, placing both his legs around my hips and pressing our crotches until he was on me. 'Oh, Kinney, shit! You're heavy!' 'Tsk, tsk, tsk! Novotny, what a sissy! Can't you even bear the weight of your man?' 'So you're my man, now?' 'Haven't I always been?' I nodded. 'And I always will be, Mikey.' Then, just when he was about to dive in for another kiss, he whispered. 'Now fuck me, 'cause I've been dying to have this perfectly shaped penis up my ass...' 'God, how I love your potty mouth, Brian!' 


	4. part 5

I Do Too, Now He's back. He's finally back. He's been back for a few hours now. I can't believe how much I've missed him. I've missed him so badly I don't want to visit him, don't want to call him, don't want to see him. I don't know what I'll do when I see him. I want to kiss him, I want to hold him, I want to touch him. I want to lean my forehead to his. I want to feel his body next to mine. But I also want to slap him in the face, to howl at him, to shake him up until I make him see he can never do that to me again, leave me like this, alone, without his smile, without his light. Of course I didn't do any of the above, as much as I wanted to. Some ridiculous inner force kept me from obeying my reason, and pushed me towards him. Thus, before I realized, I was on my way to his apartment. Ben opened the door. I barely said 'hi' and my eyes immediately searched for Michael... There he was, in the middle of the fussy little crowd that was our extended family. God, he was so beautiful! He looked so confident, so at ease. The smile I had missed so much. My heart was beating so fast I decided it was better to just watch him a bit more from a distance, before he saw me, this way I could remember every trace of his face I might have forgotten. without having to hide any feelings. However, as if knowing I was there, he slowly turned around, and that was when all my efforts went down the pipes. My heart decided to run in the Olympics the moment Michael and I locked eyes. He smiled to me, forgot everybody else and came to me. I had to do something. I couldn't let him come too close or I might end up doing something crazy. that wasn't the place. Ben was here. nobody would understand. He was not ready... I was not ready. So I went to him and put my hands on his shoulders. But when he touched my arms, I melted down completely. I let him do whatever he wanted. He hugged me and kissed my lips, while I was frozen, unable to move, not even returning the embrace. He was so happy to see me he didn't seem to notice my messy state - thank God! I absorbed his heat, his smell. I have no idea what he told me, whatever it was I nodded, smiling back and saying 'me too'. It seemed to work. He took me where the rest of the guys were and we soon started eating Deb's lasagna. I couldn't eat at all. I kept playing with the food and drinking my glasses of wine. After about five of them, I spotted Michael alone, near the kitchen. I went there as if by instinct, pulling him by his arm to the nearest corner where nobody could see us. Now I would have my Mikey to myself. I drew him to me, in a fierce hug. I had almost forgotten how good was the smell of his body, how warm was his skin. I tightened the embrace and without even thinking, I was whispering his name and how much I had missed him. Our foreheads together. then my vision clouded. He said he had missed me too. There were so many things I wanted to tell him. But the words wouldn't come out. No, they wouldn't come out. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I wanted to tell him something that could cause him to think and maybe, just maybe, act upon it. Like what I'd said at the turnpike. He broke up with David after that. Though he'd said it had nothing to do with what I'd told him that night, I knew those words had reached him. However, once again my emotions got the best of me and an almost incoherent flood of words was already spilling out of my mouth, before I realized. 'You are never to go away that long, that way, where I can't see you, and in such circumstances like that, you hear me, Michael?' Busted! Tell me, what in the world was I thinking? What the hell was Michael supposed to get from that? I'll tell you, exactly what he did: that I love him. And when he said he loves me to. It was all to much, I'd better stop talking - sometimes I'm a real mess with words, times like that, times when Michael is concerned. So I kissed him. A friendly kiss at first, our friendly kiss, that is. Then, the kiss was suddenly not so friendly anymore. It was still okay because I knew Michael would eventually pull away and we'd all be safe, for a little longer. It never happened, though. He didn't pull away, instead he granted me access to that wet, warm, soft mouth of his. Memories of Babylon and certain kisses invaded my mind. That night things had gotten really hot, it had taken me all my self-control to not drag him to the backroom and fuck him into oblivion. But not there, never there. Mikey was holy ground, had always been. how I wish he weren't. Though he could never be any different, not to me. I pulled away; someone had to keep track of reality and especially the surroundings - it wasn't like we were at Babylon or my place. That place wasn't his alone; we were not alone there. There were other people. Ben was there. We just couldn't. I gave him my new address and got away from there as quickly as I could. I didn't sleep that night. I trashed in bed, a stranger in my own bed, missing someone who had never been there. Missing a body that would be yet to come, if ever. I couldn't see him the following day. I avoided him. Well, that was the easy part because he never called or dropped by to see me either. The hard part was to suppress the ever-growing need to dial his number, to go to the diner, to go to the store, to go to his place. And just what would I say, huh? What would I do? How would I behave once alone with him? No way. I needed at least one day to recompose my façade, my mask that was cracking just like an anti-wrinkle mask - that same shit I used to buy and never made me look nineteen again. Fucking advertisings. The evening came and the possibility of another night of insomnia haunted me even before my bedtime. I decided it was better to watch some TV, to stay in the living room until I felt the need to drag my sleepy body to my bedroom. Everything was happening according to plan. I was already drooling over the couch, when I heard someone at the door. 'Mikey?' What is he doing here at this time of the night? But, hey! Wait a second. What's he doing? He is all over me now; he's attacking me! Hey!... Hummm, this feels good... so good. His tongue on mine... His body on mine... His dick, hard against mine... His hands in my hair... Where is that bubble butt I adore? Here it is. Oh, but his kiss. Damn, why haven't he kissed me like that before? Wait! He's never done that before, at least not like this. What's going on? What's he doing? Stop, Mikey! Oh, God, no, don't stop! My thigh seems to have a will of its own and is between his legs now. and his on me now. Don't stop, Mikey. No, this is wrong. I'm not going to fuck him like this. We're talking Mikey here! My Mikey, not just anyone! Not a trick. I try to fight him, but he won't let me. Oh, Mikey, don't do this to me or... I'll give in... 'What are you doing?' Pay no attention to me, just keep on kissing me. I'm not going to hear what you're going to say anyway. 'I know.' WHAT? You know? He knows. do you know what I think you know? You understood? You finally understood, Mikey? You're finally ready? Is this what you're trying to tell me? Is it? It can't be. No, this is too good to be true. It can't be, can't be. God, no! Don't tell me I misheard him. Don't let this be a joke, not now that he's got me completely wrapped around his finger. Well, he'll just have to do more than that. There can be no guessing this time. Enough with the games. And there it is. He's saying it. All I've been waiting to hear from those lips that I'm already missing. I can't believe it. He's saying so many wonderful things.. I wish I could record them 'cause right now my mind is so hazy I don't think I'll memorize his words. I'm not even sure I'm registering them. But it all sums up to his last sentence, and it touches me so deeply. Yes, Mikey, there's no love purer than ours. It's waited for so long and still it remained just like it was when we were younger. Yet, I'm still scared. And I don't want to do anything he wouldn't be sure of. I have to pass the ball to him. Michael has to say exactly what he wants, 'cause I can't hurt him anymore. I can't push him to what he's not ready for. And as selfish as it can be, I'm scared shitless that he hurts me. If he only knew this. 'What do you want from me, Michael?' You is his answer. Me. Me of all people. Me, his selfish old friend. Me, the one who's hurt him the most. Me. I dare to say. the one who's loved him the most. Body and soul, heart and mind. Does this get any better? It doesn't, does it? Yes, it does. I'm all over him, now. God! This is. amazing! And yet so little... I want more! I want him all! His tongue invading my mouth - hungry and soft at the same time - is driving me nuts. I don't know if or what I'm saying but I couldn't care less, I have absolutely no control over my body or mind now, and I don't want to have any. I have no idea how we ended up here, in my room. He's straddling me now and I want to get rid of his clothes while at the same time I can't get my hands off him. I'm hurting his beautiful skin, I know, but I can't help it! I'm making a mental note here: tomorrow I'll put some medicine on the scratches, I promise. the hell I will! I want everybody to know, to see he's all mine now, MINE! My Mikey! His eyes are glassy with desire, desire for me. It turns me on even more. To top it all off, he's completely naked now. His dick is still exactly how I remembered it: perfect. I touch it and it sends a shiver down my body that inevitably leads me to think of what we're about to do. I can't do this, I can't start to wonder about how it'll be, what the aftermath will be. If I do this, I'll lose the little courage I have. And I want him, I want him so badly it dazes me. For once I have to let go, for once. But this is Mikey, what if I fuck it up? I feel his eyes on my body as I walk to the bedside table. I don't want him to look into my eyes and find out how frightened I am. Not that I care about keeping my façade - it's okay with him, I can be me with him - the thing is I don't want him to think it's because of him. Well, it is because of him, because of who he is, but it's just the opposite of what he'll think. He'll think I might not find him attractive - I just wanted to know where the fuck he got this stupid idea *I* didn't find him attractive! I can't stand that! I want him confident on what he's doing, one hundred per cent sure, unlike me. He's the strong one, I need him to be strong now, like never before in my life... But when I look into his eyes, I see myself reflected on them, my fears. No need for words. I know. I know what he's not saying. Just like he knows what I'm not saying. Ah, Mikey, I feel so tired now, tired of fighting against myself, my needs, my feelings. I'm giving in. So I tell him. I tell him everything; that even fucking terrified I'm willing to give it a try 'cause there's no other way for us and, most of all, 'cause now that things are out in the open I'm simply... his. 'Make love to me Brian.' And I thought I was fucking terrified. Mikey, I can't. Don't you know I've never? I wish I knew... But with whom would I do something like that... if not you... the only one I've ever wanted to? Mikey knows better. He tells me to trust my heart. Yes, I'll do it with all my heart, for you, for us. You'll show me how, won't you? I trust you will, I know you will. And he does. He shows me how, at least how to begin, because one more time he was right: I know what to do. My body knows what to do, my heart knows what to feel, my hands know where to touch him, my lips know where to go, my eyes know where to look: into his. I can't describe how I feel right now. The words... they're not enough... I can't think straight... I don't hear a thing but his breathing. He says nothing. Neither do I. We can't, the silence is enough; it explains what we can't. My eyes are locked on his and I can't move them away. I can't close them either, I want to see this. I want to memorize every trace of his face, while we go to a place I've never been before. His eyes are a mix of bewilderment and fear - I sense mine are just the same. I move slowly, I don't want to hurt him. He joins my rhythm, or maybe I join his. I don't know. Who cares? It's our rhythm now. I have to look up to see him. I love that I'm holding him on top of me, that one of my arms supports him while I stroke him. Every now and then his eyelids flutter but he never closes them fully, as if he knows I want to see his eyes. I lower him on the bed and watch him while I'm inside him. I touch his body, but that's not enough I need to feel his body glued to mine, his slicked, sweaty chest against mine, his hot cock against my belly. I kiss him senselessly. And that's not enough. It's not enough that I'm inside him body and soul, that my tongue is with his, that it's almost hard to breathe so deep is the kiss, and so strong is his embrace. He's digging his nails in my back, scratching and hurting me in his desire. I'm loving every fucking minute of it. For all I care he could tear me into right now. I hear him moaning softly and I know he's close. So am I. I don't want this to be over. I want more. I want to delay this though I know I can't take it anymore. I don't know how long we've been doing this but I know it's by far the longest time I've ever been inside someone. But then, Mikey is not just anyone, and what we're having here is certainly not just sex... I slide outside him a bit, only to feel his hips follow me, welcoming me inside again. He pulls me by the hair to connect our mouths one more time. And we're there. I cry out into his mouth (or was it him?) and, still inside him, I rest on my side, never breaking free from his embrace. God, I want to stay like this forever... ******************* I'm in his arms now, resting on his chest and he's holding me. I never thought I'd love to be cuddled, but I do, by Mikey. Sure others have tried however, I never gave myself into it, never felt very comfortable, at ease. I do now. With Michael I can do anything, feel anything, say anything, he knows me, and I'm glad he does. We finally did it. We did it, Mikey. I can't believe how peaceful I feel. This is so good. Is it real? Am I really awake? What has just happened in this bed, in this room? Is this how every couple in love feels? Couple, we're a couple now, aren't we? Because I know I'm in love, it can't be anything else. He's beaming. Did I do that? Is it really for me, because of me? He's so beautiful now. He's smiling broadly at me. I have a perfect view of his face from where I am. There's this little scratch near his earlobe. Was it me? Was it there before me? What was there before me? Who was he before me? Where was he before coming here? Why is he here? Why now and for how long will he stay? Will he stay? Will he? I ask him and he answers me. I knew his answer even before I asked him. But he still manages to surprise me: he remembers my words. They were so messy, I was so desperate to make him see no one could ever match him. That I loved him and only him, that there could never be Justins enough to take his place in my life. It had taken him so long to realize. But it had taken me much longer. He wants to know why I didn't just go to him and told him how I felt. How could I do that? I'm a coward. I could never deal with losing him. I'd rather have half of him than nothing of him. I could live with a love never completely fulfilled but I'd rather die than not having at least his friendly love, his voice, his words, HIM by my side. I didn't want to go another week without him, like that after his birthday party. Thank God I won't have to, I hope. I feel so close to him now. I didn't know I could feel any closer to Mikey than I already felt. He knows me now in a way nobody does, in ways I didn't know myself. I like that it was him. I wanted it to be him. Always have. I tell him something else I've always wanted: that he fucked me. I've always wanted him inside me. He's a bit surprised - it's good that he is. But I can see he liked the idea. It's been a while since I don't let anyone top me. I confess I'm not very into it, though sometimes, sometimes. I crave it. Like now. I know I'll like it. I suspect he could do just about anything with me right now and I'd love every fucking minute of it. Anything. But never would I have guessed what he was about to do to me, what he was about to make me feel. My poor brain could only have dyslexic thoughts, disconnected sentences, unintelligible phrases. Oh, Jesus! So that's how it is. That's how it feels to make love, to be with someone you love. Oh, Michael, I never thought. Oh, God. I never thought that it could be this good. 'Cause it surely feels different, and it beats everything I've already done. I feel like flying. I feel like dying. My body, it's. I feel you, Mikey, in every pore that I have. Why didn't I do this before? Why? I'm fucked now. I'm addicted, I know. to you, Mikey. My Mikey. It had to be you; of all people.I knew I'd be lost the moment I touched you, the moment you touched me liked this. Oh, but how the hell did I manage to live without this, without you for so long? The King no longer reigns, the stud of Liberty Avenue's days are over. So be it. For Mikey, for me, for us. This can't be happening. Oh. this is too good. for my own sake. I can't. 'Breathe, Brian, breathe.' What the fuck is going on? Who is this person that's invading me and taking hold of what I am? Who is this Mikey? This is frightening. I'm. scared. 'I'm here, Bri.' There it is, three words from him and I'm calm again. This is my Michael. He'd never hurt me. He's the only good thing in my life. 'Mikey.' 'Always.' I could blow through the ceiling, now. what. how. Mikey. No! This can't be over! Thank God it's over! I want more. Stay, Mikey, inside. I drew him to me, closer. I need his lips on mine, his body on mine right now. He has to give me back the part of me that he's taken, that is with him now. I'm not whole anymore. I'm half Brian. but I'm also half Mikey. I feel so vulnerable. My chest hurts, and there's this knot in my throat that I don't know why is there. And it hurts like hell! I can't believe this but I feel like crying! What the fuck is going on? How can I feel happy and sad at the same time? Am I going crazy? There's something wet and warm on my neck, on my shoulder. No, it can't be. Mikey is crying. Why? Does he feel the same? Oh, now I won't be able to hold them back. here they are. Damn! Fucking tears! I can't. He can't see me like this. How can I explain what I don't understand? Too late, now. a sob. has just. escaped. 'Mikey' I start before him 'Why?' I ask, touching his tears. Maybe he can give me a hint of what to tell him when he reverses the question. He wipes his face with hi hand. 'I don't know. I-I. I'm not alone anymore.' Shit! That's it. Once again, so simple and so true, he's just said it all. I'm biting my lip so hard I can taste blood. It's either this or me, a complete basket case. Our foreheads, I need this contact right now. 'I guess you're right, Mikey.' What is this now, puberty again? My voice cracked at every word! 'You're stuck with me now.' He smiles, causing more of his tears to stream down his face. 'You're crying too.' 'Who said I'm crying?' Ha! If my voice hadn't just betrayed me. again. 'These are your tears that fell down on my face while you were.' 'Brian, you're so pathetic.' 'I am, Michael. And it's all your fault.' 'This was the best ni-' I reach for his lips. 'Don't say it. No, I can barely understand what just happened here. I don't want to understand it. I saw it in your eyes. I felt it in your body, in my body. And it scared me. I just want to feel it. again. and again, and again. until I'm finally able to understand why I felt like dying and being born at the same time. Why you made me feel like that. Don't say anything, Mikey.' I just want him to hold me now. So he reads my mind and entwines his body on mine, reverting our positions, and making my head rest on his chest. It's all I need: him, with me, now. It's a pity he's soft and he's not inside me anymore. This is the only thing I know for sure, from this experience: that I loved his perfectly shaped penis up my ass. Like I knew I would. 


	5. part 6

Whole I felt sweet kisses being planted down my feet, my toes, ankles, calves. I felt my legs being gently opened by strong yet delicate hands. A tongue lapped languidly on my inner thighs and went to my groins. Teeth bit and then lips soothed... missing my cock completely. Next was my navel, sucking, licking. My belly was also bitten then licked and kissed until it was time for my nipples; tongue, lips, teeth, a bit of everything. Then up to my neck. His body slowly relaxed and molded with mine, making me revel on the weight of it. I sighed, giving me away, unable to pretend I didn't care, I wasn't awake. 'Why don't you show you are as much of a nice guest as your friend down there, who instantly stood up and greeted me?' He whispered, making sure to brush his lips on my ear. 'Morning,' I said, wrapping my arms and legs around him. 'Morning, sleepyhead.' He leaned on his elbow and propped up his head to meet my eyes. Practically in slow motion, he approached my lips to torture me with an equally very, very slow, deep, invasive yet soft and all the time sweet kiss. It didn't take more than a few seconds, but it was enough to wake whatever part of me that wasn't already up. 'Brian.' I moaned when he released my mouth. 'Say it again,' he whispered, sprinkling kisses all over my face. 'Brian.' My voice dropped to a quivering whisper. 'Again.' His stubbles on my neck. 'Oh.' He slapped my ass. 'Not that.' 'Brian.' 'That's better.' He kept on kissing me. 'Tell me you're going to fuck me.' 'I'm going to fuck you, Michael.' He bit my collarbone. 'More!' I shivered beneath him. 'I'm going to fuck your brains out.' He traveled down my chest, brushing his chin along the way. 'More,' I pleaded. 'I'm going to fuck you so hard you're going to feel me up your throat.' He was on my nipples by that time. 'More!' I cried out, bucking my hips to his. 'You'll be sore for a week!' 'More!' 'Two weeks?' I looked at him, surprised by the doubtful, playful tone of his voice and we both burst out laughing. 'Okay, enough with the talking. I'll show you. Judge for yourself, then.' Two weeks it was. I winced every morning when I got out of bed, not to mention some other times when I got to do certain movements. But let's not fast forward to that point when the day brought so many interesting revelations. Thus, after we both crumbled on the bed, exhausted. 'God, Mikey, you wore me out!' Awww, you liked that, didn't you? I fucking loved it! YAY! 'Really?' I asked in mock surprise, panting, but the smile of satisfaction already spreading on my face. 'Just like I left you breathless.' He smirked. Damn it, if that wasn't true! 'You did all right, Brian Kinney.' 'If all right makes for waking up the whole fucking neighborhood and digging a hole in the wall with the headboard. Well, imagine when I give you my masterpiece performance.' What? You mean you can do better than that? Oh, Lord, whatever it was that I did to deserve this, thank You so very much! 'Don't thank Him, thank me instead.' Mind reader... 'I'm holding you on that one, Brian' I threatened him, shaking my finger in his face, which he took into his mouth and gave it a brief but sexy sucking... 'Have I ever let you down on a promise, Mikey?' 'No.' He smiled, totally self-satisfied. Point proved. 'Now come over here.' I said. 'Give me some more of that kiss, I don't think I got fully aquatinted with it yet.' 'Oh, you mean, this one?' And he leaned to repeat that slow tongue-fucking-my-tonsils kiss. Yes, this one, Brian. I guess I can say this is my favorite one, so far. 'Why did you stop?' 'Look down, Mikey. No, not my dick. At the floor.' 'Huh?' 'Look. At. The floor.' I did. 'Oh. My. God. Brian! You brought me breakfast in bed!' Didn't I tell you he was a romantic? He rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically, trying hard to look annoyed. 'First off, I didn't bring YOU breakfast in bed; I brought US breakfast in bed. And second of all, I only did that because I still don't have a decent table to put you on top and fuck you into oblivion, spreading all possible food on your body.' 'A table top fuck?' 'Yes, how do you like it?' One of my fantasies! 'Sounds okay to me' I said nonchalantly. 'Good. Maybe we can try that some day,' he shot back. Mental note: buy a fucking table, ASAP!!!! 'Sure, why not?' I said casually, reaching for the tray and placing it between us. Funny that on that tray there wasn't a single item that would have needed to be drunk warmly, like coffee, for instance. That led me to think he had planned the whole "wake up and fuck Mikey in the morning" while preparing the tray. As usual, he had planned everything. What an evil man, whooo! I'm going to like this; I'm so going to! He picked a strawberry and after removing the green part, he held half of it between his teeth, offering me the rest. Yet another delicious kiss. You'd think by the time he'd fucked you his dick would be all you'd be thinking about, however, his kisses. oh, his kisses. 'Shit! Got to open the store already.' 'What do you mean? You're not going anywhere near that front door, Michael! I mean it!' 'But.' 'No 'but', except yours, of course.' 'Brian, I.' 'Call your uncle. And make that your only phone call until tomorrow, at least. I don't want you within 10 feet away from me. Today you're all mine. And that's final.' Be still my heart, this is only the beginning, don't fall just now. 'Where's my cell phone?' I asked with a smile. He smiled broadly. 'I'll get it to you.' And went after it. I sighed with contentment. Ain't life just perfect? Here I am with the man of my dreams and he's being everything and so much more than I'd expected. He came back to bed with my phone and I called uncle Vic. Sure I had to lie and tell him I was just tired and needed the day off. Well, that wasn't really a lie. I was already tired and I sure as hell needed the day off... with Brian. He bought it. After more fruit, croissants, juices, jams, I thought it was time for a few questions. 'Bri, have you had any interesting proposals?' 'I wouldn't say you've proposed to me, but that was the closest I got so that makes yours the most inters-' 'Job proposal!' 'Oh, that? Hum, let me see. Yeah, a few.' 'But you're not working already.' 'No.' 'Have you at least decided on any?' 'Not quite.' 'Tell me! How were they?' 'Oh, there was the mayor.' 'What? The mayor? How... I don't get it.' 'I didn't tell you but before putting the adds on TV, I went to him and offered what I had. The chicken turned it down, of course. He said it could look as if he was trying some desperate last hour measure, the pussy! He even questioned the authenticity of the facts. But then, when he saw the ads.' 'He called you.' 'Not only did he call me but also he offered me a position as the manager of all his campaigns as a mayor. He said he knew I was the Concerned Citizens - how clever of him - and that I was a very brave young man, who had done everything for the truth to come out. He then recognized my appreciation for the truth - what he didn't when I was at his office practically begging him to take the fucking tape!' 'But you didn't take his offer.' 'No.' 'It would have been a great opportunity, you know?' 'I know. But I'm tired of it, Mikey. I'm sick of all these politicians' bullshit, and trying to please their egos and twisting a lie so that it becomes half-truth and applying some pancake on it so that this way people will buy it. I'm so fucking sick of it! I ended up fucking myself out of my job, but I feel so much better now. I had to do it, Mikey, I just had to. I couldn't live with myself like that anymore.' I touched his face. He sighed and went on in a tired voice. 'Stockwell was the final straw but things started to wear out in my head long before him. Being around him poisoned me more than I ever cared to admit. There was a time I just couldn't stand that whole bullshit. That's when the Gay and Lesbian Center fiasco came along. I gave him the idea and he fell like a child. It was so easy. I just didn't count that he would catch me with Justin.' 'I've never been prouder of you, even if I didn't tell you at that time, I knew you had something to do with that.' 'Yeah, but then I knew I was already pushing my luck far too long. So I bit the bullet and faced the consequences.' A heavy sigh escaped him. 'And at what costs. They were high but they were worth every penny. I'm free now and I won't go back to that cage ever again. I'm through with pretending that I don't belong. I do belong, I want to belong. It's not because we're a bit different from straight people that we're going to hide or settle for less. And I won't ever again do any work for those I despise. Money is not worth that much, I know that now. ' See? That's my Bri, that's why I fell for him some twenty years ago. It's good to see him back. I took his face in my hands to kiss him once again. 'I know, Brian. You did right. I'll back you up, whatever your decision is.' 'I knew you would, Mikey,' he said with only I was entitled to see; a look where the real Brian Kinney would show, the one who did love. 'What about the other proposals?' 'Gardner.' 'No, get out of here!' 'Yes, he did try.' 'I can't believe this. What did he say?' 'Well, you know how powerful word of mouth can be. He got to know it was me behind the ads and came to me, offering my partnership back.' 'And of course you didn't accept it.' 'Of course.' 'But not without some torture.' 'Yep. Torture is a plus.' 'What did you make him do?' 'I made him bend down on all fours and suck my dick.' 'WHAT??' 'I told him I'd only go back to Van Gard with at least a 50-50% deal.' 'He went ballistic.' 'He tried to hide it, but he was fuming. So after he uselessly tried to dissuade me from those absurd thoughts' he said smiling 'he realized he had to agree or else I wouldn't go back. He did that and I turned him down. But not after a few days hanging, of course.' 'Of course.' I smiled back. 'You had some busy days while I was away.' 'Tell me about it. Days were okay, whereas nights...' He met my eyes with a small, almost shy smile, trying to hide his pain. I looked down at the croissant in my hand to avoid the blushing that was trying hard to win its way up my face. And to think that was all for me, his insecurities, his opened heart, even his shyness, as amazing as it can be. 'I dreamt about you a lot those days.' 'Me too, Mikey.' I looked up at him, surprised. 'I thought you were never coming back.' 'I thought it would take much longer than it took, actually. I still don't understand how Hunter's mother dropped the charges like that, so out of the blue. She was so determined... Oh, no! Brian, don't tell me... It was you!'  
  
He feigned innocence. 'I don't know what you're talking about.' 'Oh, my God! It was you! Shit! Brian, what did you do?' 'I told you I don't know what you're talking about. And besides, what would I have done that could possibly make her give up? I'm not Rage, you know?' He said, casually putting some jam on his bread. 'Liar.' I teased him - he really hates being called that. He raised an eyebrow as a silent threat, widening those already big hazel eyes. 'Liar.' I repeated, more firmly this time, sustaining his gaze. 'Take it back.' 'No way!' He rested his bread on the tray. 'Take it back, Novotny.' 'You're lying, Kinney, and you know it,' I said smiling. He was SO not pleased. He took hold of my wrist in a flash, and twisted it wickedly. I was more surprised than hurt with that attitude. 'Ah! I... didn't know. you liked it rough, Kinney.' 'You have no idea how rough I like it. Are you taking it back?' 'Make me' I said in a mix of challenge and seduction. He kept the pressure on my wrist and pushed the tray aside, giving him enough room to pin me on the headboard. Within inches from my face, he kept on demanding me to take it back. I was almost intoxicated by his proximity; the idea of another searing kiss was giving me a hard time, literally, until I couldn't take it anymore and ravished his mouth. He fought back to prove his point with silly determination, but eventually... 'Okay, Mikey, being a great kisser won't make me give up.' My wrists already forgotten. 'Right, where were we?' I asked, making sure to touch our lips when I spoke. 'You were going to take it back.' 'Was I?' 'Huh-hum,' he whispered, closing his eyes. You could say he was giving in. I licked his lips and he eagerly opened his mouth to accept the kiss... that never happened. 'Maybe after I take a shower.' I pushed him aside and quickly got out of bed, running to the bathroom - not without wincing from the pain, you know. 'Mikey, what the fuck?! Come back here, now!' But he was the one who went after me. Sure I never locked the door, what do you take me for, crazy? I'd never miss a shower fuck! And it was so amazingly hot. I was turning into a prune by the time we decided to go back... to bed. Yes, I'm talking a fuck fest here. Neither of us could get enough of touching, kissing, licking, fucking each other. Thank God Brian had the brilliant idea of disconnecting and turning off all available phones around, leaving us unreachable to the outside world. It was a day like no other. We talked for hours, especially about our past and all the times we where about to take the big step of telling the other how we really felt. It's incredible how much you delay your happiness due to stupid fears. And you know what? Your fears, most of them, are only in your head, and you waste years of your life waiting for a perfect opportunity that will never come. There's no such thing as a perfect moment in time where everything will fall into place and say 'hey, that's it, the world has come to a halt for you to finally gather your courage and do it'. Life is a sequence of accidents that are meant to be, though sometimes we can really pass them buy and ignore completely what happens around us. I have no idea what the future plans for us, but there's one thing I know: I'll live every second of this with my heart opened; opened to love, opened to Brian. I know it's not going to be easy. There's too much unfulfilled expectations and delayed feelings waiting to be unleashed. I'm not the only one expecting a lot. Brian is too. And I am so afraid of letting him down, some way. He's suffered so much already, in his life. He's been deprived of love and that caused him to run from it like hell. However, things are different with me, have always been. I'm the one he trusts, I'm the one he's given his heart to. And this bond that's always linked us is stronger now. I guess it's how he said: we can't back down now, even we fuck it up. I wouldn't trade these wonderful hours we've been together for what we had before, not even if tomorrow we find out we can't live with each other. I know it will be impossible for us to go back to best friends mode, and I don't want to. We've trespassed the line, crossed the border; most of all we've abandoned half, it doesn't satisfy us anymore, we want whole. And half will never be enough anymore, never. We're whole now. finally. 


	6. part 7

Exceptions It's past midnight, now. Mikey is lying on my chest, asleep, as I watch TV on the couch. I'm not really watching it, just seeing the images dance on the screen. I've got too much in my head to pay attention to whatever could be on. I feel him inhaling and exhaling near my nipple and I wrap my arms around him, gluing him to me, adjusting my body to feel his in every extent. I touch his soft hair, feeling the scent of my own shampoo in it... God, how I've dreamt of this moment where he'd be all mine and I could touch him as more than a friend. I never thought it could be this good to feel a body next to me... not just a body, but the body I've craved for so long and never allowed myself to taste. We've been together for only a day, but it feels like ages. There was no awkward moment between us. It was as if we'd always been this way. I wish I could just lock us in here and throw the goddamn key away, so that it could be the two of us like this, forever. I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone. It frightens me, but I won't run away this time. I can't. I don't have the strength to do it. It'd kill me. I need him. I'm glad no one came knocking on the door, looking for either one of us. Not Justin, not Ben. I asked Mikey what he had told Ben when he left their place to come to me and he said he didn't give Ben too much explanation. He said things were not going very well among them when he got back and that it was even worse after our brief moment alone that night he got home. The next day it was impossible for him to stay there and when the evening came he saw himself telling Ben he had to see me. He said Ben acted as if he knew what was coming, as if he could tell what Mikey had in mind. Then Mikey told him he didn't know when he'd be back, and that he had to deal with his feelings for me once and for all. He said Ben had tears in his eyes when Mikey left. He'd still have to talk to Ben, as we'd still have to talk to Deb and I had to talk to Justin - even if we didn't have any sort of commitment, I still owned him some kind of satisfaction. Justin would be the easy part. Sure he'd be upset, but at the point we were, a relationship with someone else could happen at any time, for either one of us. Deb on the other hand, is whom I fear the most. I wish she could see through Ben and Michael's break up. I wish she could see through Michael and I and realize what lies beneath it all: our love for each other. At this time, I could only wish. Mikey shifted in his sleep, instinctively wrapping his arms around me. It's getting cold and I better take him to bed, under the covers and within my arms, like we'd done so many times when we were only friends. I always found peace in that small body, I hope I find some sleep as well. I sense tomorrow will be a rough day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I woke up to find Mikey looking at me with those adorable dark eyes and a smile on his lips. We didn't move or say anything; we just sunk in each other's gaze. I loved to do this, loved to look into his eyes and see how they're pouring out with love just now. Were they like this before and I was the one who never saw it? How can anybody deny it? I must have been out of my mind to think that look was brotherly love. He leaned his forehead to mine, sighing and closing his eyes. 'I don't remember coming to bed last night.' 'It's because I carried you here,' I whispered, as if sharing a secret only he should know. He giggled. 'You did not,' was his tease, touching our noses. 'Did to. And I'll tell you.' 'Oh, now you're going to say that I'm heav-' 'You look lovely when you're asleep,' I interrupted him in a low voice. He seemed surprised, but it was the truth, he had the most innocent look. I saw his hand reaching to caress my cheek. 'So do you. Peaceful, you look peaceful.' 'It's because I am at peace when I'm with you.' He hugged me, burying his head on my chest. 'Promise me we'll always have these moments of quietness; that we'll always have time to look at each other. Promise me you'll always let me look into your eyes, Brian and feel my heart beat faster because of what I see in them. Promise me.' I held him by his arms and gently made him meet my eyes. 'Do you need to ask, Mikey? I can't help baring my soul to you. I don't even notice and I'm already doing it.' 'This is going to be good, right? We're going to make it, aren't we?' 'Yes, Mikey, we are. I've never been surer.' Just like I've never been so fucking terrified in my life! And I thought I was afraid before making love to him... That was the easy part, I had it all in me and it was so good. There was no reason to be scared... But this... Our future together would demand much more from me. God, I hoped I was prepared. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ We ate our breakfast in silence, each one absorbed in their thoughts. There was this unspoken deal that today we'd talk with the people who had been by our side for the last year or so. Neither of us said a word; we just knew it. We'd assumed it was time. We wanted to do this right. And we needed to be together as fast as possible. No apologies. There was no point in delaying what had already been delayed for almost two decades. I want Michael and I want him now. Today. Better: yesterday, and for good! So does he. He rose from the couch and went to the kitchen to wash his bowl of cereal - Captain Crunch, of course. Even if he was away, I kept my habit of buying a box for Mikey, in case he wanted some. I know how much he loves it. This way I could remember Mikey... I followed him, adding my dish to the small pile in the sink. Hugging him from behind, I closed the tap. 'Leave it, Mikey. We can do this later.' He squeezed my hands with his wet ones. They were freezing. I immediately tried to dry and heat them between mine. I knew they mirrored his heart now, cold with anticipation and anxiousness for the day ahead. He turned around in my arms, encircling my waist. Like him, I just wanted this day to be over. Though that would be only the beginning. My hand searched for his chin, lifting his face to mine. 'Hey,' I said softly, 'don't worry, it's going to be okay.' 'No, it's not, Brian. I'm about to hurt someone that loves me and it is not fair. Why can't things just be simple? I didn't want us to start like this, hurting the ones that care about us. That we care about.' 'But this is the way it turned out, Mikey. And being a good or a not so good way to start, it'll never be bad, because nobody is playing here. We've been together long before anyone entered our lives. We've always been Brian and Mikey, and we'll always be. It was just a matter of time. Now here we are, at last.' 'At long last.' He smiled sadly. I leaned in to give him the most reassuring kiss I could possibly come up with. One that could express everything I felt for him... One that he wouldn't forget as long as he was away from me. One that would make him come back to me immune to every spiteful word he might hear. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mikey dropped me in front of Daphne and Justin's building. I waved him goodbye and he drove off, to Ben's. I'd meet him at the store when I was done. It was Sunday and we'd be safe and sound there, nobody would think of looking for us there. I took the stairs to their floor and stopped in front of the door. Two knocks. Two minutes later, Daphne's sleepy face opened the door. 'Brian? You here, at' she searched for a watch that wasn't on her wrist. 'Ten-thirty. My, my it's actually before noon!' I feigned surprise. 'Who would have thought I'd be up at this time!' I kissed her cheek and went past her, into the living room. 'Where's Justin?' 'In his room,' She said, closing the door and yawning. Without waiting more, I made my way to his bedroom, quietly opening the door and poking my head in. He was sound asleep, on his stomach, all spread out and. naked. That ass right on my face. Temptation, temptation. I came closer to the bed, sitting on the small space he wasn't occupying. 'Justin.' He didn't even flinch. 'Justin, wake up.' No sign of life whatsoever. Maybe I'd better wait. Maybe that wasn't the right time, after all I was about to wake him up and give him not so good news. I'd better go and come back another time, later that day... who knows... when he'd be up... I was about to get up when he grabbed my wrist. 'Brian, hey, where are you going?' his sleepy voice cut through my thoughts. 'So, you're up now.' 'Oh, yeah!' He stretched in bed, turning on his back. Yes, he was up, definitely, literally. He tried to pull me to lie on top of him but I resisted. He looked at me confused and sat down on the bed. 'What?' He asked. 'What's wrong? ' 'Nothing's wrong.' This was going to be harder than I'd thought. 'Why won't you come to bed with me? And how come you're HERE on a Sunday morning, before noon? Oh, don't tell me. Last night's trick wasn't as good as me and you just couldn't help stop thinking about me.' 'Not even close,' I said looking away and taping my jacket pockets, searching for my cigarettes. He waited for me to pull one and light it up. Then he motioned to the pack in my hand. 'Something tells me I'm going to need one.' I handed him my box and lighter. 'So, you were saying.' he asked, lighting his cigarette. 'I wasn't.' I stood up and walked to the window, suddenly very interested in the view. 'Jesus, this is serious, isn't it?' He waited for my answer. I had my back to him, looking though the window. He had quite a view from his room. There was this beautiful park with kids and. 'Brian.' I turned to him. 'It's over, isn't it?' Shit! That wasn't how I had planned. I bit my lower lip, looking straight into his eyes. What do I say? How can you say something like that even to a person you have no relationship with? Who was I trying to fool? Of course we had a relationship. We are... were. boyfriends. sort of. 'Who is he?' He asked, trying to look nonchalant, taking a long drag on his cigarette. How could I tell him? He kept on staring me. He wanted an answer I was not sure if I wanted to give him. How would he react? How hurt would he be? Fuck, I cared for him more than I thought. 'There is a he, right? Or you wouldn't bother coming here to tell me this. Not that you have spoken a word about it so far. Are you going to leave it to me to do the talking or are you going to be man enough and tell.' 'Michael. It's Michael.' He opened his mouth in shock as his eyes widened. He mouthed a 'what', breathed out and looked away. Shaking his head in disbelief, he put out his recently lit cigarette in an ashtray on his bedside table. Seconds later he started. 'How didn't I see this coming? How could I have been so blind? I mean, it was obvious. Especially after that kiss I saw you giving him when he left with that kid. I knew there was something different about it. But of course this started long before that, I mean, you've always loved him, didn't you? DIDN'T you, Brian?!' I nodded, pulling a long drag of smoke inside my lungs, carefully watching the linen pattern of his bed. 'Fuck! I know we may not have been made for each other, but somehow I thought we got it right this time.' 'Justin, we never got it right, except maybe when you first came living with me at the loft.' 'You loved me, then, didn't you?' 'Yes.' 'But I fucked it up.' 'You didn't do that alone.' 'I did most of it. I never accepted you the way you are.' 'It's not about acceptance. I've never been what you wished for to begin with, Justin. I wasn't ready to be. faithful.' 'Ha! And now, all of a sudden you are?! Do you really think you can do that? That you can be faithful to someone? Anyone? Michael, especially? Brian, I know you. You can't be monogamous. You don't know how to look at a hot guy and not hit on him. It's in your nature!' 'Yeah, what do you know?' I bit back, sarcasm having the best of me. 'I know you need a hot guy who'll let you free to come and go when you please. And Michael is a cross between Mr. Monogamy and Mr. White Picket Fence.' 'What if I don't want to come and go anymore, huh?' I asked, in my best controlled voice. But of course he was not getting it. 'He'll suffocate you. He'll demand fidelity.' 'He won't have to do that,' I interrupted him, softly, putting out my cigarette. 'What?' 'He won't need to demand that from me. *I* want to do that.' 'To be faithful?' A confused, incredible look was upon his face. He sighed, exasperated. 'And just why the fuck would you do that?' 'Because he's Mikey.' His smile slowly faded. I let him process what those words meant. There was no way I would explain myself to him more than I was already doing. If he wanted to understand, fine. If not, fuck it. 'Brian,' he continued his rant in a low voice, trying to convince me. 'Why only now, years after you quasi-fucked him? After years of friendship, after you spent practically half of your life with him. How can you see him as. as. as.' 'As a man?' 'Yes! It'd be as if I fucked Daphne or.' 'You did.' 'It's different! She's like a sister to me.' 'Well, Mikey has never been like a brother to me.' 'Oh, but of course not. I know what's going on!' Now it was his turn to go sarcastic. And here we go again. I sighed, already tired of that shit. 'You've fucked him and, amazing as it can be, Michael ended up being a good fuck.' I felt my jaws clenching. 'Watch it, Justin!' 'But then, even if he were a lousy fuck you'd have liked it. Because I know you have the hots for him. That's why all the kissing and touching. I know you wanted to fuck him and never had the balls to do it. He's your best friend with a huge crush, you'd never want to hurt him. Now that you two have finally fucked you feel like you could indeed give it a try. Why, Brian, aren't you a romantic?' 'I'm out of here.' Grabbing my cigs, I stood up, heading for the door. 'SO, to please Mikey, you come here and drop the fucking bomb on me! Monogamy my ass! You're Brian Kinney, for fuckssake! You don't do monogamy! You don't do boyfriends! You don't do love!' I turned to give him one last look. 'Except for Mikey.' And one more time I've got him stunned. 'Mikey is ALL my exceptions. He always have been and ALWAYS will be.' When I was about to close the door, I heard his last sentence. 'I hope you find what you're looking for, Brian.' Keeping my back to him, I retorted. 'I already did, when I was fourteen.' TBC...... 


	7. part 8

Half Way There... So there I was in front of mine and Ben's apartment. I had no idea what awaited me on the other side of that door, after having been gone for two whole days, without even a phone call... Well, but there was no point in calling to say 'hi' or whatever. Things were kind of clear when I left. No, not really clear, but Ben was aware of where I was going and knew what I was going to do, sort of. He knew I had gone to see Brian. I told him so, and I also told him that I really needed to talk to Brian. Luckily I didn't have to explain myself too much. He had picked it from the way I had been acting since before I had arrived. After I slowly began to understand Brian's actions during the time I was away, the little I talked to Ben on the phone began to sound superficial. I was always making excuses for not spending much time on the phone with him. All my thoughts were for Brian. He was the last and first image in my head before I sleep and when I woke. He was all I thought about. Of course I felt guilty as hell, after all Ben was my boyfriend and though I hadn't really done anything wrong, my mind was always on another man. my best friend. the man I had always loved. the one I had spent half my life with. the one I was coming back to. When I arrived, Ben noticed I was distant and I figured there must have been this great oblivious-to-the-world look upon my face. When the guys decided to throw me a welcome party I was grateful that I didn't have to spend too much time alone with Ben, though later that night it had been impossible to avoid him. It was good, nevertheless. Sex with Ben has always been good. Besides. I have to admit. I thought about Brian every second of it. So, as I said before, there I was. ready to stab him in the heart. Holding my breath, I put the key in the lock and turned it open. Cautiously I poked my head in. No sign of anybody. Then I saw Ben going from the kitchen to the bedroom and strangely, he had a small pile of folded clothes in his arms. What the fuck? I closed the door behind me and he heard it, stopping dead on his tracks as he saw me. 'Michael... Have you been there for long?' He looked surprised as I'd expected but apart from that, his face was almost unreadable. 'Wha- No, I-I've just arrived.' He contemplated me for a second and I could swear I blushed. 'What are you doing?' 'Packing,' he said and got in the room. 'What? Packing? But. where are you going?' Not Tibet, I thought as I followed him. He put the clothes on the bed and I looked around the room to find it nearly empty. The closet's doors were open and I could only spot my clothes in there, nothing of his. Some of his personal objects on the bedside table were gone too. I really wasn't getting it. 'Ben.' I reached for his arm. He almost imperceptibly jerked me away. 'What, Michael?' he asked in a calm, calculated tone. 'What's going on? Where are you going?' 'I'm leaving. With Hunter.' 'Why? Where are you guys heading?' 'We'll stay in a motel for a week or so 'til I find a place for us.' 'There's no need. You can stay here as much as you want.' He was silent for a while. 'So I take it you're not coming back?' I lowered my head, taking a deep breath. 'No,' was my whisper. 'I figured,' he stated, crossing his arms over his chest, waiting... 'What? What is it that you figured?' I asked, not really knowing what to say or do or even how to react to this new Ben that seemed to appear in front of me out of nowhere. 'That when you left you had left for good.' I stared at him, surprised. 'But... I didn't say anything... about leaving for good.' Ben sighed, and a small fissure opened in his carefully controlled façade. 'Michael, do you really think I'd be here waiting for you to come back and tell me we're through? While you were at Brian's for a whole weekend? I'm not stupid. I knew you weren't going to come back the moment you left. And I just can't be here sitting and waiting at your will. I have a life of my own to lead and a child to support.' My mouth hung opened. I couldn't possibly deny that what he was telling me was true, every word of it. He was right. I had left him there, hanging, no explanations whatsoever. In my head, only my eager to make my dreams come true, not a thought of caring for Ben. Awful as it may sound, that was exactly what I had done. However, hearing it made it almost sickening. As I couldn't come up with any words to refute his, Ben went on. 'You know what, Michael? My days as a substitute are over. Over!' 'What?' I interrupted him, astonished. 'What the fuck are you talking about?' 'What am I talking about? The truth. What else have I been doing in your life but playing substitute for Brian? Try as I might, I could never be anything other than that to you.' 'That's not true and you know it! I really loved you, Ben.' 'Well, did you, Michael? Did you really? And where is all that love now? How can you claim to love someone and simply vanish for two days? TWO days! Going to another man's house! Another man's bed!' he yelled, his temper long lost. 'It's not like you're putting it!' I wasn't much better. 'There were issues between Brian and me. You knew this all the time. I never hid this from you. I never said I didn't love Brian and you were the one who said it was okay to love him.' 'Yeah, I remember that very well. It was the most stupid thing I ever said. I would never say that again if I knew he had feelings for you, too. But at that time, all I could see was you, drooling all over him, ready to trail after him like a puppy, at his beck and call. While he, well, he was Brian Kinney, what is it that you guys say? He doesn't do love. Look at the irony of it all. You were the exception, it seems.' He released a long, tired sigh, trying to control himself. 'I thought it was okay for you to love him. It was unrequited anyway. Eventually you'd give up. And I really believed you were doing that in the beginning. I thought I could, with time, make you forget about him. I can't believe I was so naïve.' 'Oh, so you're telling me you thought Brian could never love me?! And why THE FUCK not?' I yelled at him. 'I didn't say that!' He cut me, but I didn't want to listen to what he was saying. 'Why? Because you don't think Brian would go for a type like me? That I'm not attractive enough for the legendary Brian Kinney? Well, look again. I've been with him for practically twenty years! Tricks came and went away, and he was still with me. And those kisses that you spotted were nothing compared to the ones that happened before you come around. even during,' I added in a lower voice - that had really spilled out of my mouth. I ended up passing him the ball. It was his time to be shocked. 'What? So you're admitting you were fooling around with Brian DURING the time we were together?!' Oh, my God, now he was pissed! But so was I. 'I wasn't fooling around! I've always been faithful to you.' 'Are you saying that kissing Brian more than once, while I wasn't around is not cheating? Ha! You've got to be kidding me! I bet you took advantage of all those times you two were alone, after he and Justin broke up. All those times at Babylon, Woody's and God knows where else! It's not because you didn't fuck that it wasn't cheating. That is, if it is really true you two never fucked.' If he only knew. Oh, no, I can't give the game away. I can't even think of blushing. 'You asshole! You know that's not true! You know I'd never do that behind your back!' 'Yeah, you would tell me first and then leave, like you did. You sure got some balls, Michael. You sure do, to risk being with the biggest whore of Pittsburgh! I hope you're not expecting him to be faithful to you. What am I saying? Of course you're not. I bet you're even used to seeing him getting sucked in the backroom of Babylon. Who knows, you even enjoy watching it? Maybe you find it hot!' 'Oh, shut the fuck up, Ben!! You have no idea what you're talking about! Don't make a fool of yourself!' 'Why, Michael, you really believe him, don't you? Wait until your first trip together to Babylon, as a couple. Wait and you'll see if I'm not right.' 'I don't give a shit about what you think. You don't know what you're talking about. You don't know shit about me and Brian. You've just arrived! Put yourself in your place! How long have we known each other? Two years, if so? Brian and I have known each other for half of our lives. We know what to expect. We know where to go. We know how to deal with each other.' 'Yeah, right, you're just forgetting one very important detail. Things change when love is the issue.' 'That's exactly why I'm confident it'll work out. Because I know he loves me. Always has and always will. Just like me.' 'He said so? My, he's really trying to woo you.' 'No, he never said a word about love, since we got together. He doesn't have to. I know how he feels. And he's not trying to woo me. He doesn't have to, he already got me.' With that, I shut him up. He had no other alternative than to give up. Shaking his head and almost snorting, he sat on the bed, looking through the window. I sat beside him. We stayed like that for a few minutes, neither one wanting to resume the argument. I'd say he was trying hard to regain the serenity he had lost. He was right about one thing in all of his ranting: things do change when love is the issue. He was living proof; I'd never seen him like that. 'Ben,' I tentatively started, 'were you happy with me? I mean really happy?' 'Why that now?' 'Just tell me, was I what you wanted in a partner? Did you have fun, while we were together?' 'Yes.' 'Yes to what? For the fun part or for the partner part?' 'Both. What is it that you want to know, Michael?' 'It's just that. I don't think we ever really clicked. I mean, sure I loved you. still do. But we've always been so different. The things I like and the ones you do are completely opposite. The way you lead your life, even when we're partying, there seems to be something holding you back, you just won't go with it.' 'Because I don't do drugs? I can't afford to waste my body, you know this.' 'It's not that. What I mean is that we're so different.' 'Weren't you happy with me?' 'I was. But, honestly? There was something missing. I don't know. Passion, maybe. And I'm not talking about the sex, which was great, by the way.' He went silent for a minute. I guess he was analyzing what I had said. I myself was still organizing my thoughts. I wanted more from a relationship than what we had. I wanted to feel my heart beating fast whenever I looked at a person. I wanted to feel shivers down my spine when this man got close to me, so much so that he wouldn't even have to touch me, for me to feel that way. I wanted to go dancing with this man and get so horny from just feeling his body pressed against mine, that I could even cum on my pants. I wanted to be swept away. I wanted romantic candlelight dinners and sweet love making on the floor, near a fireplace. I wanted it all! And I wanted it now. No more waiting. No more wasting time. 'You might be right. We skipped the passion phase, going straight to the quiet love relationship.' I nodded to myself. More silence. But it was eventually broken as we still had some business to discuss. 'What about Hunter?' 'What about him?' he asked, glancing at me. 'You're taking him with you.' 'Of course I am, or do you want him to live with you and Brian?' 'I never said I was moving in with Brian.' 'Oh, aren't you? I thought you two were an item, already.' I drew a long, tired sigh out of the sarcasm of his statement. 'Look, can we go back to Hunter? I want to know where you guys are staying. I want to visit him. If that's okay with you.' 'Fine, no problem. I'll let you know.' 'Ben, you really don't have to move out so soon. You can stay here.' 'Thanks, but no thanks,' he said, standing up. 'Stay at least until you find another place. It'll be good for Hunter. He's used to living here.' He thought for a second. 'I'll think about it,' he answered, resuming packing his stuff. I stayed there watching him. Ben zipped up his handbag and looked back at me. 'By the way, where is Hunter?' I asked. 'Asleep. If all this yelling hasn't woken him up. You're going to get your stuff now?' 'Yes.' 'Be sure to lock up the door when you leave. I'm off.' And with that he was out of the room and the apartment in a flash. I barely had time to follow him with my eyes. As soon as he left, I sank to the bed, exhausted. That argument, besides being completely unexpected, had also beaten me to the core. I felt tired and lonely in my own apartment, one I have lived in for so many years. All I wanted was to get out of there ASAP. It was better to start packing. When I was about to leave, I gave one last look in the direction of Hunter's bedroom. He was still sleeping. It took me only a few seconds to make up my mind. I put my bags on the floor and went to talk to him. I quietly opened the door, careful not to wake him up. He was sleeping so peacefully. I sat beside him on the bed, contemplating the possibility of waking him up. Minutes passed without so much as a movement from either one of us, until I reached a hand to caress his hair. 'What?' he mumbled, half-aware of my presence. 'Hey,' I softly whispered. His eyes shut opened to the sound of my voice. 'Michael! You're back!' His voice was filled with excitement, as he sat up in the bed and hugged me. 'Wait,' he said, releasing me and looking me dead in the eye. 'You're REALLY back?' 'Not really.' 'Oh. So you and Brian...' I nodded. He looked a bit disappointed, but maintained his confident attitude. 'I can't believe you're going to leave me with this health freak all by myself.' 'Oh, come on, Hunter,' I said, laughing. 'He's not that bad.' 'Oh, no. He only lectures me about twice a day. There's really no problem. I like to be lectured.' 'I'll be around to protect you with my superpowers, okay?' I fake-punched his chin. 'Yeah, as if you wouldn't be too busy fucking the shit out of Brian.' 'Hunter!' 'Well, it's true, isn't it? By the way, how was it? Is he really that great in bed?' 'That's none of your business!' I said, already blushing, of course. 'Oh, come on, Michael, tell me!' 'No way! Have you ever heard of gay etiquette?' 'Nope.' 'Than learn it: no talk about your current fucks. Not if you want to keep them. And especially if they are more than just a fuck.' 'You mean you two are really... dating?' He made a disgusted face. 'Uhm... yes... I guess.' 'What do you mean you guess? I thought after all those years you've been together...' 'We're together, and that's all that matters, Hunter. If we're boyfriends, lovers, partners, that's really not what I'm worried about. It's just a label. What could it possibly mean when we are so much more than any of these titles?' 'Wow, Michael, you're busted,' he stated, matter of factly. 'You are sooooo busted!' And he just chuckled. 'Fuck off.' I joined the laughter. But it soon died with Hunter's next statement. 'Big Ben won't be a happy camper anymore.' I sighed. 'I know. And I'm so sorry. I really didn't want things ending like that...' 'Shit happens.' 'It's not 'shit'. The thing is Brian and I wasted a whole lot of time. We allowed other people in our lives to take the place that was... ours. And now look where we got.' 'At least you were honest. You came here and told him the truth.' Honest. Have I ever been honest to Ben? 'Yeah. Look, I really got to get going.' 'Where are you staying?' Tough question, but I gave him what I was ninety-nine percent sure was going to happen. 'At Brian's.' I knew Brian was going to kill me if I said I'd be living in any other place. Actually, I didn't want to live in any other place. I wanted to be with him, to sleep with him every night and wake up by his side every day. There was no point in being just boyfriends. We have played the part of boyfriends in each other's life for years. We've been going out dancing, dining, going to the movies, everything a couple does. We've even kissed and hugged like boyfriends, jealous and all. It was only natural to move on to the next level. 'Can I come visit?' Hunter's question drew me back to reality. 'Yes, of course. And I also will be visiting you. We'll always be able to meet and spend time together. I don't want you to think things have changed.' 'But they did, Michael.' 'They did. But it's up to us to keep what we have and to let no one bother it.' Hunter just stared at me, considering my words. 'Well, guess that's it. Just give me a ring if you need anything, right?' 'Right.' 'You take care, kiddo.' I shuffled his hair. 'You, too. Don't forget to buy lots of condoms. Bet you'll need plenty.' Little fucker! 'That goes the same for you, young man.' 'Yes, Ma,' he played, in a bored voice. I had already kissed him goodbye and was just about to close his bedroom door when he said... 'Yo! If you two ever get bored and decide to spice things up, I'm always available for a threesome,' he grinned. I grinned back and just flipped him the bird, before closing the door, and hearing him laughing his ass off. ************* I heard two soft knocks on the windowpane of the door. It was Brian. I jumped off of the bench, and fled to welcome him. 'Hey, dude, do you have any Buttman?' he asked in that goofy dude-where's- my-car voice. I rolled my eyes. 'Still that lame line? You used to do SO much better when we were just friends.' Sighing, I shook my head, feigning disappointment. 'Come back when you pick a better one, ok?' Then I pushed a surprised Brian outside and closed the door on his face. I turned on my heels, trying to hold my laughter. He knocked at the door again, his face very serious. 'What now?' I asked, hand on my hip... That was so like Ma, I know... He grabbed me by the nape of my neck and pulled my hair; my face standing only inches of his. I gasped at both the pain and the surprise. 'This is a rape,' he whispered, looking deep into my eyes. 'Drop your pants, right now,' he continued, closing the door with his foot and leading me inside the store. 'Oh, that's better,' I said, but that only made him pull harder. 'Ouch! A little too rough, but... hmmmm... definitely better. Okay, you may come in... sir.' I played along, trying to take his hand off my hair. He wouldn't let go and just kept on leading me until my back hit the wall. Don't worry, it didn't hurt and besides he made sure to protect my head. One of his hands started to wander downwards, fumbling with my pants. 'I mean it. Drop. Your. Fucking. Pants.' 'What? In here? Just like that?' 'Yeah. You got a problem with that?' 'With what? Getting fucked in the middle of my store, with the door unlocked, so that anyone could barge in? No! Absolutely!' I smiled. 'But why don't we take it to your place...' He knelt down in front of me. 'What are you doing, Brian?' He was undoing my belt and already going for the zipper. Of course he paid no attention to whatever it was that I was saying. Since he seemed so determined to perform his task, I decided to take some measures. I lower myself to face him, kneeling in front of him, as well. He looked at me, nonchalant. 'What are you doing, Mikey? You want to take this to the floor? Fine with me!' He motioned to lay me down, but I stopped him. 'No, Brian, I'm just grading it to your level. It's a good way of drawing children's attention and showing that even though you're the authority they have to respect, you're not some kind of overwhelming presence they ought to fear.' 'Jesus, Mikey! This dad thing is really getting to you, isn't it?' he scoffed, grasping my shirt and pulling me to him in a deep kiss. He finished it just as abruptly as he started, leaving me breathless and still lightheaded. 'So, where were we?' His hands resumed his previous task. 'Seriously, Brian, let's take this to the apartment. This is really not the place.' 'Which gay man would turn down sex at his workplace?' 'The kind that would like to get fucked by his lover at a cozy place like his lover's apartment,' I retorted, nipping at his earlobe. 'Awwww, Mikey! That's sooo romantic...' He singsonged, sarcastically. I didn't mind. I knew what lay beneath; that attitude couldn't fool me anymore. 'Then I can scream at the top of my lungs when I come and nobody would come checking, or call the cops,' I continued, ignoring his comment. 'Oh, how dramatic is that, huh? Cops? Hummm, we could do a threesome!' That shit, again?! In the same day? My eyes were shooting darts at him. 'What? What's the matter? Don't tell me you've never done that before. I KNOW you did.' I stood up and started doing my pants. 'Of course I have! ... Could we at least get bored with each other a little before we start to put people in between us?' 'In between?' he asked, seductively, wrapping his arms around mine, trapping me. 'And who would top the third party? You or me?' 'How was your talk with Justin?' I asked with a big smile on my lips, quickly changing the subject. His face fell. 'Why thanks a lot for asking! I fucked his brains out then we broke up. How was yours, sweetie?' 'Oh, same old, same old, honey. We fucked five or six times, don't remember exactly, then we broke up, too. What a coincidence!' 'Let's get out of here.' I could see he didn't like my answer, but I had finally achieved my goal. Plus, it's such fun seeing Brian's face fall. 'Yeah, let's get out of here.' I echoed him, amused. *************** When we were riding to Brian's apartment, he asked me how my conversation with Ben had turned out. He was dead serious then. You could tell he was worried. Insecure, maybe? Yes, at least a bit, just the tip of the iceberg I could spot above his guarded surface. But, really, I was so not thrilled to tell him about how stressful that had been... I asked him to leave it all aside, at least after we got home... Home. We were getting home, I thought. The words had spilled out of my mouth before I was able to hold them back. Brian glanced at me, out the side of his eyes. It was just a split second but I got his expression. He was gladly surprised at my words and the extension of them. I saw his shoulders release some of the tension as they relaxed a little bit. I bet we would agree on that matter when the issue came to the surface. I bit at my lower lip to repress the small smile that attempted to give me away. Brian unlocked the door and got in, dropping two of the bags I had brought from my apartment on the floor. He turned around, opened his arms to me and chanted, 'Home, sweet home,' smiling. Lousy impersonation of a fake, sarcastic smile, as if he wasn't happy to say that. Ha! I had to laugh at that. Try as he might, I wouldn't buy his act. 'Brian, you're so pathetic,' I said, still giggling and closing the door behind me. 'Am I?' He approached me. I stepped back. 'What is your problem with me and doors or walls, huh?' 'What do you mean, Mikey?' He stepped forward. 'I'll end up at a chiropractor's office! I mean it, Brian!' I hit the wall. Shit! Shit! I know, I know... He stopped dead in his tracks. 'What did you say?' he asked, squinting his eyes I closed mine. 'Nothing.' But when I opened them up again the look on his face was priceless: pure silly teenage jealousy. And there I was chuckling again. 'Okay, I'll never go to a chiropractor in my life again, satisfied? Even if my back gets permanently fucked up. Is that any better?' His left hand went to dig into my pants and roughly pull me to him. 'I guess I can manage that.' His penetrating gaze almost hypnotized me. 'You... can manage... what?' was my distracted question. 'Getting your back permanently fucked,' he answered as his lips planted open kisses on my neck. 'Oh, you could... start showing me how... like right now... in case... you don't have any other... plans.' Damn that tongue... 'Hummmm.' 'Okay.' My breathless reply. Oh, God... 'I do.' Ouch! His teeth! 'What...' Did anybody hear anything? I didn't.... He released his hold on my pants and I swayed, using the handle of the door to steady myself. Then he was gone to the bathroom. Just. Like. That!!! The fucker! 'Mikey, why don't you come take a nice bath while I fix us something to eat?' I heard him speaking from afar. 'You? Fixing us something? Ha! That's got to be a first!' I went after him. 'Brian Kinney in the kitchen, COOKING! You're shitting me, right?' Finding him already at the edge of the bathtub, running off the water from the taps, I added, playfully. 'You're not trying to poison me, are you?' He reached for my jacket, removing it gently. 'I may not know how to cook but I'm not crazy enough to attempt murder against the man I...' his eyes locked on mine and, oh if my heart didn't miss a beat. Is he going to really say it? 'Fuck.' Asshole! He had read me. Damn! He knew what I was expecting him to say. Now it was his turn to be amused. But really, I already knew what his feelings were. He didn't have to say the words. If he ever got to say them, I want it to be special. Meanwhile, I'll take his actions that have always meant much more than any sentence so frequently blurted out without meaning, turning such important words into commonplace. I never wanted that. Brian kept on shedding my clothes, swatting at my hands whenever I tried to do the same to him. 'Come on. Let me help you,' I smiled, seductively. 'Nope. I said YOU are going to take a bath while *I* am going to fix us something to eat,' he repeated, as I stepped out of my jeans and was led into the tub. 'I can't believe this,' I whined to myself. 'What's the point of having a man, an apartment all for you two, time to kill on a fucking Sunday afternoon, if he, this very man, won't join you in the tub?' 'Sit.' 'Are you going to give me a bath, is this it?' I asked, getting in the tub. 'No. You're big enough to do that on your own.' And he splashed some water in my eyes, before leaving the bathroom. 'Brian! You asshole!' I heard his laughter from outside the door. 'This is so suspicious, Kinney!! You're a terrible liar. You don't fool me, you hear me?' That was when I heard a noise of key turning into a lock. 'Brian! Did you just lock me in?!' I yelled from the tub. 'What the fuck did you do that for? Do you think I'm going to run away?' 'Enjoy your bath, Mikey. I'll be back to dry you off.' And he was gone. Kinky, I know, but well, what to do? I relaxed and enjoyed the bath. Some time later he came back into the bathroom. I opened my eyes and Brian was already grabbing a towel to envelope me. That felt so good... We allowed each other to remain like that, for a while. 'Okay, Mikey, step out of the tub.' He dried a bit of my hair, but a few droplets kept on running down the side of my face. Then he put the towel aside. 'Brian, I'm still not dried.' 'Shut up.' Okay, then. There was something he had brought with him, something dark that was now resting near the sink. He grabbed it and jingled it in front of me: a scarf. Jesus, now what? He put it on my eyes and tied it up. Now I had to trust him... I thought it was better not to say anything. He wouldn't answer me anyway, that I knew. So he led me out of the bathroom. I flinched, anticipating the cool air that would hit me the moment I, naked and still wet, stepped out of the warmth of the bathroom. But I was surprised to feel the rest of the place was just as warm. Brian kept on holding both my hands and leading the way. He noticed I was tense, and started talking softly to me. 'We're almost there. Slow down, slow down, let me do this. Relax. Just come along... Okay,' he stopped, 'here we are.' He released my hands. 'Brian. Where are you? Can I take this off?' 'No, I'll do it. Keep your eyes closed.' He came behind me, gently pressing his body on mine, and unfolded the scarf. He wrapped his arms around my chest, and rested his chin on my shoulder. 'There, Mikey. You can open your eyes now.' The living room was almost completely dark. Brian had closed the windows and blocked the outside morning lights with the shades. The fireplace was the only thing to light up the place. He had moved away the coffee table that used to stand in front of the couch, and spread out a duvet on the floor in its place, with lots of pillows and cushions on it. There was a bucket on the floor with a bottle of wine. Two glasses rested beside a plate with some fruit, honey and marshmallows. I turned in his arms and leaned my forehead on his. 'This is beautiful, Brian.' 'I figured you were still not hungry.' 'You figured right,' I said, kissing him, slowly meshing my tongue with his, caressing it softly. He laced his arms around my neck, like he had done so many times at Babylon, and danced us to the duvet and the cushions. He stared at me and I began to undress him. First the shirt, then a kiss, then the buttons of his fly, and another kiss. I pulled down his denim and followed it to the floor, making sure to brush my nose on his hard on. I lifted his foot, then the other; his pants were gone. He lazily laid down on the cushions. I joined him, finding a niche on his side. He encircled my body with his arm and leg, running a hand on my damp hair. 'You cold?' he whispered. 'No. Not with you near me.' He smiled and leaned down to kiss me. My hands searched for his underwear. I wanted him naked. 'Easy. There's no need to rush.' 'Can I at least feel your body on mine, no clothes?' 'Suit yourself.' He lay on his back, allowing me a perfect view of his body. I quickly removed his boxers, and soon he was fully naked, for my eyes only. I never get tired of looking at him. Each time I do this, I find a new spot I hadn't seen before, and that only makes him more beautiful to me. The scars or flaws I find along his body together with his beautiful little details are intriguingly attractive and definitely a turn on. Some of them I knew before, just didn't remember; it's kind of funny to recognize how they got there... made me want to know the story behind the other ones I never noticed... made me want to leave one of my own to brand him... as mine... 'Mikey.' 'Huh?' 'Are we going to do this or not?' I smiled at him. 'Easy, what's the rush?' But he was already pulling me to lay on top of him, kissing me hard. The 'no rush' part soon forgotten... Brian relaxed his back on the sofa, closing his eyes and motioning me to go to him. I crawled on his lap and passed my arms around his neck, leaning my head on his chest. He held my body to his with such love and care, placing sweet kisses on my forehead, while drawing circles on my back. We stayed that way just enjoying each other's warmth, until Brian spoke. 'You know,' he said, reaching for his glass of wine, 'we have to find some room for your stuff in that pseudo-closet I've got.' My heart sped up and I was suddenly thirsty. 'Hum-hum...' I sipped at his glass. 'Maybe we can buy a new one...' 'We'll see about that.' 'Brian,' I said, reaching for his eyes, 'are you sure about this?' 'About what?' 'You know. This. We. Living here, together.' 'Aren't you?' 'I asked first.' And I bet I pouted, because he snorted and smiled. 'Yeah, Mikey, I'm sure. I meant it when I said I didn't want you away from me. I don't. We've done that far too long. I don't want you living in anybody else's place. Besides, you won't be just living here, as if we were roommates... You'll be living here with me... I want to share this... this whatever it is that we have... with you, here.' 'You're dealing with this better than I thought you would,' I teased him, but he was serious about the issue. 'Mikey, I want you here, with me. Every day, every night. For as long as you put up with me. And even after that.' I swallowed a lump in my throat. 'You mean always?' 'Always. You've always had my unconditional love, even if it didn't seem so. I never stopped loving you. Even if I hurt you or pushed you away. Even if I was running scared of it. Even if it wasn't the same kind of love I have for you now... It's... stronger now. All this time we weren't together, it only made the feeling deeper. The more I saw you grow apart from me, loving other people, becoming what you are today, the more I admired you, and the more it frightened me. I realized I couldn't take you for granted, that one day I might just end up losing you. ' 'You could never lose me, Brian. You've always had my heart.' 'You too, Mikey, you too. It's always been yours to keep. Just... be careful with it...' 'I know. I'll be careful. Promise.' I kissed him gently on the lips. He held on to me, as if I was going to escape through his hands, somehow, deepening the kiss. I loved when he did that. I could feel him all over me, he didn't even have to touch me. His tongue caressed mine, very slowly, sending electric charges through my whole body, heating me up, yet he was gentle... I had absolutely no idea how long we'd been just kissing each other. I only came back to Earth when Brian's lips suddenly left mine, and though my lips were swollen, I REALLY didn't want him to stop. But what he said after that quickly had my full attention. 'DEBBIE?!?' tbc..... 


	8. PART 9

Intermission I heard a sniffle that caught my attention. It couldn't be Mikey because he was here in my arms and he was deliciously kissing me. But if it wasn't him. I opened my eyes. 'DEBBIE?!' I yelled, instinctively tightening my hold on Michael's body. 'MA!!!' Michael would have jumped up if my hand hadn't been glued to him, pressing him to stay on my lap. He pushed himself off of me and immediately got on his feet, covering his dick. I would have chuckled if I weren't just as shocked to see her. Instead, I tried to hide behind him. 'When are you going to learn to close the goddamn door?' he asked me through clenched teeth, never tearing his eyes off his mother. 'You were the last one to come in,' I shot back the same way. We had no idea what she was going to do next. But I still had time to notice she'd brought a tupperware with her and that she was... crying? My mind was going round and round, ticking off all her possible following acts. She held a hand to her mouth, muffing a sob, and gave one step towards us. I grasped both Michael's forearms and pulled his back to my chest, stepping backwards and bringing him with me. She stopped, and then came two steps ahead. I wrapped my arms around Michael's chest and pulled him to me so fast he almost lost his balance; that gave her the advantage of cutting the safe distance that separated us. Deb stretched her arm in the direction of Michael's face and I was so sure she was going to smack him that I could almost hear the slap. However, her next action stunned us both: she hadn't aimed at Michael, she'd aimed at me, and I just flinched when her fingertips feather-touched my cheek, ending up holding my chin, between her hand in a... caress. My jaw hung open. Michael looked at us with wide eyes, while I couldn't possibly avoid her intent look, piercing through me. No, she wasn't mad. She was overwhelmed, to say the least. Surprised, for sure. Shocked? Definitely. But she wasn't nearly as furious as we had imagined she might be. 'You finally came to your senses, kiddo,' she whispered, another tear rolling down her face. Oh, God! What is that supposed to mean? I chewed on my lip. It couldn't be what I thought it was, now, could it? She kept on caressing my face. Her eyes, I never thought they could resemble Mikey's so much as they did that moment. She looked at me pleadingly. I didn't want to get the message. No, that was all too much for me to take. I wasn't ready for that. 'I never thought this day would come. The day you would allow Michael to enter your heart.' 'Michael entered my heart long ago, Deb.' The words stumbled out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying. She smiled at me. I remember that smile. She used to do that whenever she saw Mikey and I together, leaning our foreheads, hugging, kissing. And she also did that when I went to her house utterly broken, and Mikey wasn't there yet. I tentatively leaned into her touch. She was no threat. I was so relieved. I felt Michael relax in my arms, as well. 'How long have you been here, Ma?' She tore her eyes off me to look at Mikey for the first time. 'Long enough, sweetie, to hear the most beautiful love declaration,' she smiled to him. He blushed intensely, avoiding her eyes. 'And to witness the hottest scene I've seen in years, not to mention the hottest kiss,' she whispered, wiping her tears. 'Ma, please.' Still smiling, she enveloped us both in her arms. But it didn't last long. 'Wait a second!' she almost yelled, steeping back, hands on her hips. Uh-oh! Here it comes! 'When the fuck were you two planning on telling me this?!' Mikey sighed, shaking his head. I rolled my eyes. 'Okay, why don't we all sit down and talk for a while, huh? That is, after we put on some... clothes. Mom, would you turn around, please?' 'Michael, it's not like I haven't seen you naked before.' 'It's not for me, it's for Brian!' 'That goes for him, too.' He turned to me, ignoring her. 'Brian, could you please go put something on?' 'And you're just going to stand naked, covering your dick while we all have a nice conversation?' I asked, amused. 'Fine. Let's both go to the bedroom.' Then he turned to Deb. 'And could you at least turn around, now?' 'What? And miss two beautiful butts? Not in this life, honey. Go, you two. And no fooling around and making me wait, will ya?' She shook her finger in our faces. Neither one of us spoke a word while we put on a pair of sweats each. I gave Michael one of my shirts, since he hadn't unpacked yet, and we went straight to the living room to patiently try and explain ourselves to Deb. 'So, when did this all start? And where is Ben in all this? And Sunshine? Don't you tell me you're doing this behind their backs! I taught you two better!' I felt Michael's hand shyly searching for mine and I laced my fingers to his. He looked down at our hands entwined and then back at Deb. 'They already know,' he said, simply. 'Good. Oh, so that makes me the last one to know?!' Michael was already tense and he snapped. 'This is not a competition, you know? This is our life, our happiness! And we're trying to do the best we can, okay? After so many years we've been longing to be together we were all too considerate with our EX-boyfriends! YES! You taught us better. That's why we went to talk to them first thing, today! They were the first to know. They were part of our lives, they deserved to hear it from our mouths, don't you think? So don't you come here demanding to be included as a priority!' He took a deep breath and calmed down a little. 'You are a priority and we meant to tell you. We were going to your place to tell you. Until you came breaking through.' 'I knocked, Michael.' 'I didn't hear a thing, did you?' He turned to me. I just put my hand in the air and shrugged, never wanting to butt in on their Italian mother-son discussion. 'Of course you couldn't hear. You were too busy diving into each other's mouth.' Silence filled the air for a while. They were both pouting. It was impossible not to snicker at the scene. Mikey gave me one of his death stares. 'Sorry, Mikey, but it was true. We were really too busy.' 'That's why I haven't seen you for days.' 'Two days, mother. I just came back.' 'Deb, what is it that you came here for, anyway?' I asked, changing the subject. 'I came to bring you some of the tuna macaroni I prepared. Your favorite, remember?' 'I still want to know who the fuck told you that was my fav-' 'You little shit. Take it. And eat it all. You're skinnier than ever!. Oh, my God!' she giggled. 'It's Michael, isn't it? He's wearing you out, isn't he?' 'MA! Would you please!!!' I smiled to her and wrapped my arms around Michael, biting seductively at his neck. 'Yeah, Deb, I just can't stop fucking him!' 'BRIAN! MA! Would you cut it out?' But I was already joining Deb's heartfelt laughter at Michael's demure behavior. If she only knew his demureness would stay far, far outside this apartment's doors... 'Okay, Brian, do you at least have an oven here?' she asked. 'Of course I do. A microwave oven.' 'I was talking about a real oven. Christ, you kids don't even have a decent oven! How can anybody live without an oven?' 'Well, if your IQ has not dropped I can still teach you how to use this fancy device.' I smiled my most innocent smile. 'Oh, and let me guess, that would be the ONLY device in the kitchen you'd know how to operate, am I right?' 'Ha, ha, ha! You'd be surprise with my other abilities, Deb.' 'Spare me the details,' she said, standing up with her pasta in her hands, heading for the kitchen. 'Michael, why don't you go take a shower? And make sure to wash your hands!' 'What for, so that you can harass Brian, while I'm not around?' he half- yelled, but was unceremoniously ignored. 'Don't be silly,' I said, turning him in my arms. 'I can defend myself. Besides, she's already game.' 'My mother is never game, Brian. Don't you know this already?' His lips were inches from mine, teasing me. I kissed him. 'Brian, could you come here and give me a hand?' 'Go, Brian, or she'll come back to beat us some more,' Mikey whispered still kissing me. 'If you let me, I will... with a major hard-on.' He pushed himself off me and got to his feet. 'Don't you dare!' But I could see the smile spreading across his lips before he disappeared into the bathroom. 'Where was I when all this happened?' She asked, opening the drawer and retrieving a spoon. 'Depends on what you mean by this.' I opened the cupboard to get some plates and hand them to her. 'When did you know?' she asked, pouring huge amounts of pasta on each plate. 'Whoa! Deb, nobody is that hungry here!' 'Don't stall me, Kinney.' I sighed. 'Go straight to the point. What exactly do you want to know?' 'I want to know when you realized you loved Michael.' She went to cover one of the plates and put it in the microwave, but didn't turn it on. 'I've always loved him.' 'You know what I'm talking about, Brian.' 'Fine. It's been a while.' 'How long is a while?' 'Does this matter?' She turned to face me and her look gave me the answer. 'A few years.' 'How many years, Brian?' 'I didn't count them, Deb. Five, ten, fifteen. who cares? I love him and that should be enough, shouldn't it? Why do you need to know this anyway?' 'To evaluate the extent of the damage you caused to Michael and yourself, depriving you both of the happiness that is clearly displayed in both of your faces.' 'Why does it always have to be me that is the one to blame?' I looked at the ceiling, searching for a clue. 'It became a sort of a habit, I guess.' She scooted next to me, folding her arms. 'Years, Brian. You're in love with Michael for years and only now you decided to make a move?' 'It wasn't me who made the move,' I said, almost embarrassed. I already knew we had wasted a goddamn long time, but hearing it and from myself, made all the waiting absurdly meaningless. 'You mean it was Michael?' Her voice dropped to a whisper at the last word. I just stared at her, no reply. She shook her head in disbelief. 'How could you be such a pussy and let Michael come to you after all the years he spent at your beck and call? You could have at least gone to him, instead. He deserved that.' 'Well, he was already happy with Ben,' I said in a controlled voice, that would reveal just how pissed I was to those who knew me. 'Oh, he was, but do you think he wouldn't trade Ben for you the moment you said how you felt, dickhead? Was that so difficult to realize?' 'It is when it's your best friend that you're talking about. It is when he's the most important person in your life and you'd rather die than lose him. I wouldn't risk all this for just a fuck. Would you?! I don't think so, Deb. How can you ask me to risk that?' 'You idiot. Can't you see you could never be just a fuck for him? How could you not see that he's always loved you?' 'I KNOW he's always loved me. I always knew. Just like I always loved him back. Only I didn't think it was that kind of love. Sure he loved me as a friend, but I was afraid all he wanted was to fuck his hot best friend. That he'd get over me the minute after. And though I wanted it just as much, I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that to him. to me. I wasn't ready. He wasn't ready, and it would kill us both.' 'So now you're ready?' she asked softly. I just plain and simple glared at her. I knew she'd see it in my eyes. I had this disturbing feeling that it would be all blatantly written across my face. That I was so fucking, completely in love with Michael that anyone on the planet could see that. I saw tears forming in the corner of her eyes. 'Goddamn it, kid, why do you have to do things the hard way? Why didn't you just simply go there and tell him?' 'It wasn't the right time.' I faced the floor. 'There's no such thing, Brian. Sometimes we have to make the right time.' 'Yeah, whatever. We're together now, that's what matters.' We stood silent for a while. 'Just don't break his heart.' 'What if he breaks mine?' She looked at me, surprised. I bet she'd never thought about that. She never saw that between Mikey and I, my heart would be the most damaged one. Mine was the one that wasn't used to being broken. I was the one who never opened up for love. 'He won't,' she hugged me. 'Let him love you with all his heart. And just love him back with the same abandon.' 'I'm already doing that.' I hugged her back. 'Oh! Am I interrupting something?' I heard Michael's voice behind me. Deb and I quickly pulled away and smiled to him. 'No,' I said, a little uncomfortable, stretching my arm for him to come to me. I enveloped him in my arms and kissed the top of his head. 'Humm, you smell good.' 'It's your shampoo,' he said sarcastically, wrapping his arms around my waist. 'That's why I said it was good.' I pulled him into a kiss. I just couldn't get enough of his mouth. 'Okay, now you two cut that shit out for a few minutes and eat. Then you can get back to fucking each other to death.' 'Don't give me any ideas, Deb.' She stayed with us while she force-fed us. She wanted to make sure we ate. I guess she was afraid we would follow her suggestion about fucking each other. Well, she wasn't all wrong because the last thing we were going to do that afternoon was eat. There were so many more interesting things to do. When Deb left, there was this sense of mission accomplished in the air. We had managed to pass phase one and two of Brian and Mikey's New Adventure scot-free. or almost. I still didn't know how Michael's talk with Ben had gone, nor had I told him anything about Justin. So, while we were doing the dishes - which took us twice the regular amount of time two normal people would take, since we're a couple of worthless asses at anything related to that room in the house - we took the opportunity to tell the other how our conversations had been. Of course I spared Michael of Justin's venom and disbelief in our future together. And something tells me Michael did the same to me. I never expected his talk with Ben could be that harsh, but I understood Ben perfectly. Who wouldn't have been pissed at being put aside? However, there was one thing I would have done differently: I guess I would have miserably begged him to stay. I could never afford losing Michael after having had his love. Then again, how could Ben fight against 18 years of love? That's the difference between Ben and I, Michael loves me and there's nothing he can do to reverse that. Actually, there's nothing anybody could do to change that, except me. Except if I fuck it up. And let's face it, I'm a master in that art. Work done, we went back to the cushions and had all those things that I had set for us with my most wicked intentions. We spread them over each other, playing, laughing, teasing, until all that was left were our sticky bodies. Mikey used his long tongue to lap the marshmallow on my navel and his eyes locked on mine. For a few seconds I could say time stopped. my heart began to beat differently. I heard nothing, except my shallow breathing. He came closer and kissed me gently, reaching my tongue and bathing it with his, lazily dancing them together. When he pulled away, I didn't even dare to open my eyes, I just let him do whatever he wanted to me. He's just touching me... sliding his warm palm on my skin... brushing his knuckles... checking... feeling. It's not a tease. It's more. It's different. It's paralyzing. He touches me and my heart pounds wildly in my chest. I close my eyes. Will he understand what he'll see in them if I look at him? I shudder underneath his fingers. He grasps at my hip, digging his fingers at the side of my butt. Some conscious part of my mind reminds me he might like that particular spot, he does that a lot. He releases his hold to caress my thigh... the outside, the inside, the back... I feel a heat on my stomach but no hands, just the warmth of him. He's near, I can tell. He's not touching me anymore and I squirm at the lack of him. He sees it, senses it, hears my thoughts. His hands resume their task. I sigh, relieved. He touches my chest, feeling the beat of my heart. I rest my hand over his, entwining our fingers, smiling. When I open my eyes, he's boring into me, telling me all the things I never knew I needed to know. His face approaches mine. His forehead leans on mine. 'You're beautiful,' he whispers. I... blush. It's different to hear this now. He's told me that before, but now, it took a different angle. I smile goofy at him. He disentangles his hand from mine and touches my face. I close my eyes again and bite my lower lip. I'm a mess of emotions. I'm one exposed nerve end, emotionally. It's scary how he makes me feel... I never thought I was capable of feeling that. I'm still not used to it. He kisses my eyelids, one then the other. They flutter open, a will of their own. My eyes seek his. My mouth needs his. He kisses me... tenderly. I gasp. Mikey. His lips... his tongue... his mouth... warm, soft. He takes me into his arms, one arm around my neck, the other encircling my waist.... I'm his... He knows it. I feel myself melting down, fusing with him. He presses me firmly against his body. My arms go instinctively wrap to themselves around him, pulling him to lie on top of me. He rests his weight on me. I open my legs to him, hooking my feet together, right above his hip, entrapping him. He's mine. He's inside me. Oh, God, this is so good... I never want it to end. And he knows it because he takes his time, slowly torturing me, thrusting into me, touching me. My mouth releases low gasps and moans that I can't control. He kisses me again and softly asks me to open my eyes whenever they involuntarily shut. I know what he wants. He wants to see how he touches my soul with his every move. He wants to see me cumming and I give him that. I would give him anything. 'Brian, you're beautiful when you're being fucked,' he whispers against my cheek, while holding me in his arms. 'I love it when you fuck me, Mikey.' I kiss him. I'm as much his as he is mine. My legs entwine his, closing the distance between our bodies - if that was at all possible - and we rest in each other's arms, falling asleep. 'Brian...' '...mmm...' 'Brian... phone.' 'mmm... Mikey...' 'Cell...' 'What?...' 'Your cell... ringing.' My hand blindly searched the floor and the coffee table for the damn thing that had pulled us out of our slumber. 'This had better be fucking important,' I half growled to whoever was on the other side, going back to Mikey's warmth, sneaking into his arms again. Tbc..... 


End file.
